Saturday, April 3, 2010

butterfly mommies - april

Butterfly Mommies

This is my first time linking up to another blog! I couldn't be more excited about this community. Butterfly Mommies is a collection of networking blogging buttefuly mommies - mothers who have lost a children during or shortly after pregnancy. They are starting a new radio show, and have asked for feedback on the following questions:

What forms of support helped you the most during your time of loss and even now? How would you recommend other people support grieving mothers? (As we know, many times people who love us often don't know what to say or how to act)

What forms of support...Simply the presence of friends and family and their acknowledgement of what had happened matter the most to me. I needed my mom here right after our first miscarriage, and she stayed a week, cleaning, packing (because we were moving), and making sure Paul and I ate. I also needed to talk to my best friends - when I reached out to them. Otherwise, I needed to not deal with people until I chose to. I appreciated the efforts of others to engage me, but I had to do it on my own time.

After my second miscarriage, I discovered the blogging world. There are SO MANY lovely women who are grieving their own losses and are kind enough to share their journeys. Pregnancy loss is rather solitary; it's nice to know there are others who get how I'm feeling. I treasure these women.

As far as how to support grieving mothers, above all, please don't pretend it never happened! Saying "I'm sorry" carries more weight than one knows. You don't have to know what to say - I don't know what to say, and I'm not expecting much. Please don't look for the silver lining. There isn't one. Please just accept that I'm sad because I'm mourning the loss of a life. Don't ever hesitate to send a card. I grew to look forward to checking the mail because we received so many wonderful cards and notes, many from people who suprised me. But I never wondered, "why are they sending a card?" I was simply thankful for being lifted up in prayer. And please remember the dad. He hurts, too, in a different way than I do.

Also, please don't try to tell me why my miscarriage happened. It has nothing to do with me "not being able to carry a baby." That is too simple. I want to know more than anyone else why it happened, but I accept (on good days) that I don't know the details of God's plan. I don't have to like everything, but I will trust.

Please just love me for who I am, and for how these babies have changed my life forever.

2 kind words:

  1. That's so true Karin, so many people forget about the dads. I love how you say, 'don't try to tell me why'. That sums up everything! We don't need others who don't know God's plans any better than we do to try and lay it out according to them. I love it!

  2. A simple sorry can be enough. Even just a hug or I'm thinking of you. No need for anything eloquent.