I really, really, really like the therapist I'm seeing.
Today Paul came with me (yay - only took a couple months of convincing!), so we talked a lot about how I feel things and how that affects our relationship, when Paul doesn't feel things exactly the same way. We also talked about how he's doing. It was a good conversation, and he's even open to coming with me again.
We talked about how low I've been feeling lately, and I felt a bit validated when Paul agreed that it has been worse lately, for whatever reason. She suggested that I go back to some of the coping strategies that helped me early on, since what I'm feeling is so raw again. One of those is to set aside time each day (or when I need it, but the time should be intentional) to address my feelings and let it out. Crying, journaling, blogging?, whatever, but it's time to give purpose to the feelings. The reason is to set aside specific time so that the feelings don't HAVE to penetrate every moment of every day. This is EXACTLY where I've been bogged down lately. It's like the grief is a weighted vest that makes breathing difficult. I can be intentional about growing stronger while working with it rather than exhausted from working against it. I own it. It doesn't own me.
I am a feeling person. Is anyone surprised?? To a degree, I have chosen this path. It can be a harder road to refer to my babies as people rather than "just" pregnancies. There is no distance in that for me. Other people might cope differently, and that's okay. Today she suggested that I also might choose to see the good - celebrate the life that exists, first here on earth, in me, and now in heaven. I feel like I have focused more on what I DON'T have, especially since I knew these babies for so little time and never got to hold them. But I CAN celebrate their lives.
"The LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21
God gave my babies life, and my babies dwell in heaven now. I will praise God now and forever, and I look forward to the day we all celebrate life together.
I'm going to work on this. And if you find me stuck in my own head, please remind me, dear friends, to celebrate life.