Monday, March 29, 2010

change of perspective?

I really, really, really like the therapist I'm seeing. 

Today Paul came with me (yay - only took a couple months of convincing!), so we talked a lot about how I feel things and how that affects our relationship, when Paul doesn't feel things exactly the same way. We also talked about how he's doing. It was a good conversation, and he's even open to coming with me again.

We talked about how low I've been feeling lately, and I felt a bit validated when Paul agreed that it has been worse lately, for whatever reason. She suggested that I go back to some of the coping strategies that helped me early on, since what I'm feeling is so raw again. One of those is to set aside time each day (or when I need it, but the time should be intentional) to address my feelings and let it out. Crying, journaling, blogging?, whatever, but it's time to give purpose to the feelings. The reason is to set aside specific time so that the feelings don't HAVE to penetrate every moment of every day. This is EXACTLY where I've been bogged down lately. It's like the grief is a weighted vest that makes breathing difficult. I can be intentional about growing stronger while working with it rather than exhausted from working against it. I own it. It doesn't own me. 

I am a feeling person. Is anyone surprised?? To a degree, I have chosen this path. It can be a harder road to refer to my babies as people rather than "just" pregnancies. There is no distance in that for me. Other people might cope differently, and that's okay. Today she suggested that I also might choose to see the good - celebrate the life that exists, first here on earth, in me, and now in heaven. I feel like I have focused more on what I DON'T have, especially since I knew these babies for so little time and never got to hold them. But I CAN celebrate their lives.  

"The LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21
God gave my babies life, and my babies dwell in heaven now. I will praise God now and forever, and I look forward to the day we all celebrate life together.

I'm going to work on this. And if you find me stuck in my own head, please remind me, dear friends, to celebrate life.

5 kind words:

  1. Oh Karin...absolutely lifting you up. Just this morning in acupuncture, praying for God to comfort you.

    Now, this is ONLY me...but it comforts me. That verse has been used all over the place with me and each time, it grates on my nerves. It grates on my nerves because it's always used to try and comfort me, and I know the intent is always pure and well-meant. But the thing is, there are lots of things Job could have meant with that--maybe he thought God gave wonderful things, and took away the bad. Maybe he meant God gave him peace and took away sorrow. Maybe he meant that God gave him all his blessings and then took all those blessings away--and I think that's what most people go with because they then go on to show how Job praised God regardless of what he meant.
    And Job's testimony in doing that is amazing, it is. But the whole thing with Job (as God later tells him) is that Job had NO IDEA of what was going on and that God didn't take Job's blessings away. God allowed it, gave parameters for it, knew what would come of it and absolutely used the whole situation for His glory (I just wrote this a few minutes ago to someone else!)but He didn't afflict Job.
    And I guess that comforts me because it's hard to love a Lord who takes your heart away from you. I'm so thankful for the book of Job because it tells me I don't have to. I get to Love a Lord who is sorrowful when we suffer, will only allow the enemy to go so far, holds us in His hands whether we praise or question, and wants to continue to bless us.
    Sorry if I overstepped bounds with my thoughts and opinions, but the days are hard and when I find it hard to cling to God's promises, the picture of God hurting for me rather than hurting me is what I cling to most.

  2. Karin,
    I am glad your husband decided to go with you. I pray your marriage will just grow and continue to blossom from this.
    And that is some good advice about taking time out to be intentional about your grief. I find that if I journal or blog (although I am not as raw in my blog as I am in my journals) then I can leave it there for a while. It doesn't cling to me all day. Does that even make sense?
    Probably not=)...
    And finding good is a hard exercise. Sometimes I write it or say it but it takes a while for my heart to catch up. But my heart does eventually catch up (although that verse Job1:21 still has a sting for me).
    I love reading your posts, Karin. And your thoughts! Thank you for sharing and articulating so well.

  3. I'm so glad you are finding your counseling sessions so helpful!
    I feel like there is a constant battle raging in my head - me trying to remind myself of the good, of how blessed I am, and me also trying to remind myself of the horrible things that have happened to me and that could continue to happen. Whichever part of me wins definitely depends on the day. I am glad you are making a conscious effort to focus on what you do have - it really does help. I know I feel blessed to have had our Madelyn, even for a short time. I'd rather have had her and lost her than to never have had her at all, if that makes sense.

    Continuing to remember you in prayer as you wade through your grief.

  4. "I can be intentional about growing stronger while working with it rather than exhausted from working against it. I own it. It doesn't own me."

    I like the way you put this. Thanks for the reminder.

  5. Counseling can be a really great thing and I'm glad your hubby went with you! That's awesome!

    I think it's really good to celebrate the lives of our babies, no matter how brief on this earth. We all do that in our own ways.