revisiting Christmas...pondering the new year...and 32 weeks!

It's been nearly a month since I last wrote, and there is no specific reason why. Most importantly, baby is healthy and so am I.

Christmas was really hard for me this year, and as I was reading others' blogs, I saw that I was certainly not alone. It was harder than last year, maybe because last year I was in too much shock still from the recent miscarriage to feel much of anything else. This year, I just couldn't engage. Usually, I LOVE to decorate for the holidays. As usual, it took a week of reminding for Paul to bring in my totes of Christmas things. For about one hour, I pulled things out and put them in their usual places. He set up the tree. That's as far as we got. At one point, I suggested we just put up lights on the tree, but we never even made it that far. Everything came down right after Christmas, when I usually like to enjoy it until almost February. We never got around to taking a Christmas card picture, let alone order cards or write a letter. And all of this was okay. Okay because these are the material things. I love the tradition, but my heart just wasn't in it this year.

I had been a bit nervous about Christmas Eve church services because of how everything had been going, and last year, I nearly had a panic attack as I tried to avoid people. Instead, I basked in a wonderful feeling of calm. My heart still connected with the wonder of the birth of Jesus. And I loved every minute. Mom and I (and sometimes Grandma) have been playing piano-organ duets for about 15 years for every Christmas Eve service and this year was no different. This year I loved sitting at the front of the church in my cute shirt that showed off my baby belly while playing the music that reaches in so deeply. The hardest part - trying to keep playing while people think it's a good time to start a conversation and hug me.

As usual, the pastor's Christmas sermon was perfect. The first part focused on what the angels said as they approached Mary and others. Do not be afraid. I felt like that was spoken just for me. Do not be afraid. Everything will be okay because God is taking care of me. And the tears are starting again now. I really couldn't hold back the tears when the pastor went to pick up a three-week old baby. This is how Jesus came to us. As a child, as one of us, to live among us and die for us. Wow. That's overwhelming. A baby. I'll have a baby in my arms soon. My admiration for Mary grows even more. There's much to be afraid of, but there's no need. This has been a lot for me to process, from the larger Christmas season to the specific sermon. My heart is peaceful.

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On New Year's Eve, Paul and I talked about the last two years. (In case you didn't see it on the news, North Dakota enjoyed a couple of blizzards over New Year's. We ate eggs and toast for dinner that night and didn't leave the house for days.) I said I would go so far to call 2009 a bad year. With two miscarriages, the death of a niece, many weeks of both anxious pregnancies and heart-wrenching grieving, it was not good. As for 2010, it was hard. But hard doesn't necessarily mean bad. I worked really hard in 2010 on myself. I committed to doing my grief work, and found the most incredible network of women. I struggled with my depression and worked through it in a variety of manners. I saw a counselor regularly and then a psychiatrist. We found the right combination of medication to help me. In the middle of that all, I was undergoing tests to try to find out why my body wouldn't carry a baby through the second trimester. I received a diagnosis of a genetic blood clotting disorder. It's not necessarily life-changing, but it drastically changed how future pregnancies would be tended. All of this happened in the first five months of the year.

In June I found out I was pregnant again. My excitement outweighed the fear, but probably not by a measurable amount. From day one, I've been on Lovenox. It's obviously working and I will fight to make sure we follow the same regimen with future pregnancies. But that's been hard - letting go of my own needle discomfort for the good of me and my baby. I did so happily and understand being a mother just a bit more. I've spent more hours at the doctor than I'm sure some women do throughout their childbearing years. But I've done so eagerly, and always leaving with my mind and heart more at ease. In December I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. The nutritionist told me the other day, as I gave her two weeks of food diaries and blood sugar charts, that tracking is hard work. Yes, but it hasn't been bad. I was quite proud of being able to show them how healthfully I eat (actually changing very little) and my excellent blood sugar patterns. I'm doing so well, in fact, that I no longer have to keep a food diary and I only check sugars twice each day. I know how foods affect my levels, and spot checking keeps me honest. It's hard, but not bad. Being pregnant is hard work all by itself. These additional layers certainly add to that, but hard does not mean bad. And good can, and often is, hard. Now, Paul tells me I'm good at being pregnant. Who would have thought?!

That's my update...perhaps mildly interesting at best. Baby updates are more interesting.

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On Monday I started weekly BPPs and OB appointments, and today I start weekly NSTs. At 32 weeks, baby measured about 1.5 weeks ahead, weighing in at approximately 4lbs 11oz. I've been guessing baby will be an eight-pounder all along, and I may be right. Baby scored 8/8 on the BPP...it was so fun to watch him/her breathing! Now I can't wait to go listen to that heartbeat in a few hours. My blood pressure remains very good (112/64 consistently), no bleeding or cramping, and I'm still losing weight. Overall, I have lost five pounds this pregnancy. My doctor said she's not worried because baby has been growing right on track and is thriving. She did say that it would be okay if I happened to gain 10 lbs now, but not to worry about it. Maybe having a baby will be the unexpected start of a bit of weight loss!

Baby's room is set up now! I need to load the photos onto the computer, and then I'll post. I've actually had energy the last two weeks and have accomplished a fair amount of organizing, cleaning and setting up. We have a baby room, and I can just sit in there for hours. It's no longer the extra bedroom; it's baby's room. We're bringing home a baby next month!

24 weeks and thankful

Sunday marked 24 weeks of baking for this baby! One of the things I was excited to do was to update the checklist below. In true obsessive list-maker fashion, I had to add a couple of lines, mostly to have more things to cross off.

milestone checklist

see heartbeat
finish progesterone
14 weeks - scary date #1
18 weeks - scary date #2
20 weeks  - halfway!
24 weeks - viability
28 weeks - next ultrasound; start biweekly appointments
32 weeks - start weekly appointments
36 weeks - start heparin
37 weeks - full term
39 weeks - baby in my arms

On Monday we had our first OB appointment in four weeks. I realize that four weeks is a normal length of time between visits for most people, but I, like many of you, am not most people. But we made it! Anxiety is certainly calmed by the movement this baby shares with me all day every day, and some of those jabs are starting to take my breath away. I'm incubating a hockey-playing space heater!

Everything is perfect. I don't use perfect often or lightly, but really, this pregnancy has been perfect. I enjoy being pregnant (which is something I never imagined saying), and I'm sure it has much to do with the thankfulness I relish in each day. Every day is another day I thank God that I have been given this baby to love and to carry.

Here are a few updates from my appointment:

• excellent blood pressure again
• weight gain of -2 pounds
• baby is measuring a bit ahead
• baby still gives Dr. B a hard time finding the heartbeat, but it is very strong and steady
• plan for 27 weeks - repeat 3-hour glucose (I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm at risk); Rhogam shot; hemoglobin workup
• plan for 28 weeks - ultrasound and OB appointment

We are almost definitely meeting baby in a planned event, as Dr. B likes to put it. It sounds friendlier than induction. More than anything she wants to plan and control the environment given my anticoagulants, even though I'll take the last does 24-48 before the induction. She - and I - would rather have fewer interventions, which includes medication to reverse heparin effects and/or responding to potential hemorrhaging. And maybe we can schedule for a day Dr. B is on call! The more we talk about it, the more I get used to the idea. And I really do like controlling my environment to the extent I'm able. (Can one become even more type-A with age?) I am doing my best to have very few expectations surrounding labor and birth by educating myself, keeping open-minded, and remembering that nothing is more important than bringing baby here safely. My desires go out the window when I remind myself of that.

I am so very thankful and my heart is full. Most of all, I'm thankful for this little one and all of the babies who are making healthy entrances into the world.

just hanging in there

This week has had lots of good things! These are the moments when my heart and mind are content, and the worry stays at bay. These are the moments I hold onto during the other times.

• A great date night at Garrison Keillor's (of the Prairie Home Companion radio show) Summer Love tour. Lawn seats were not only cheaper, they had the best views! He sang, told stories, and ambled around the audience for well over two hours. Even though it was a bit cool (we were in an outdoor ampitheater), windy and rainy, we left with smiling and singing.
• A relatively uneventful weekend. We passed the 14 week mark with no reasons to worry. I didn't do much other than hang out and grow a baby. :)
• Fun friends scrappin' and stamping' the night away. I love my monthly scrapbooking group at church! I was working on cards this month, but it still felt good to get my hands in that paper.
• An indulgent evening watching the Emmys. I like awards shows and the red carpet interviews. Paul doesn't. At all. That's why it's good that we have TVs in separate rooms some days.
• Days that are finally cooling off. I am much more comfortable in the crisp fall air than the sticky, heavy, hot air of summer. My favorite - wearing sweaters and my Birkenstocks at the same time.

Sunday night brought a bump in the week. My parents had spent the weekend here helping my brother move into his college house, and learned on their drive home that one of their cats was killed on the highway by there house. Paul and I had just gone to bed and were talking about how this day we were anticipating turned out to be just fine. Until my mom sent that text message.

I just don't know how to process sad news now. I can't separate it from my own feelings of loss. Mom's cats are the same age as mine, and they definitely aren't my pets, but I still know them well. And more than that, I know how mom loved her little Lita. Pets are members of our family, and they make their way into our hearts forever.

My heart just hurts a lot. For little Lita's brother and playmate who keeps looking for her. For my mom. For my babies. I can't even write that without the tears coming. Monday was a mental health day. I slept, recovered from the massive headache (stress headaches + pregnancy = wish I could take more than Tylenol), and snuggled my kitties. I also thought about how I need to protect my emotions, including asking that difficult news be shared with me in a certain way. I just have to be gentle with myself.

wedding good things and 13 weeks

Whew! The long wedding weekend was great - but exhausting. Conversations with family were relatively easy, and everyone was just so happy about all of the exciting things happening right now. The list of good things from this weekend is long:

• seeing my brother- and new sister-in-law so happy!
• lots of Shirley Temples with extra cherries
• getting to know cousins better
• an incredible pizza buffet for the rehearsal dinner
• hearing people laugh at Paul's speech at the reception
• a beautiful hotel room with a walk out patio to the lake
• celebrating the 80th birthday of a great uncle and meeting more relatives
• dressing an adorable nephew in his pint-sized tux
• talking baby stuff with M, one of my pregnant sisters-in-law
• a super comfortable dress on a very hot wedding day and being told I was just adorable
• lots of congratulations on baby
• dancing with my husband
• listening to my brother-in-law sing the Ghostbusters theme at karaoke
• quality time with M, my sister-in-law, while our husbands were busy being brothers of the groom
• a two-hour nap this afternoon after we got home

Today I'm 13 weeks! The days of progesterone suppositories are numbered. :) We have an OB appointment tomorrow, and I will be very happy if we just get to hear the heart beat, but Paul really wants another peek at baby. I'm just one week away from the point at which we learned our second baby had no heartbeat. I can't wait to start checking off those markers as we pass them. I am feeling so good - both physically and emotionally - and I just know I'm going to be holding this little one in about six months.

weekly Wednesday good things

These things make me smile, and I would rather think of them than all of the things that could frustrate me.

• Chocolate Xtreme Blizzard for dinner after a bad day at work.
• A husband who takes care of the dishwasher filled with dish soap instead of dishwasher detergent, and who let me hide in the bedroom so as not to have to deal with it.
• Long phone conversations with good friends.
• Winning three dozen homemade cookies with my department.
• A wireless headset for my work phone. New toys are fun!

What is on your good things list?

rainbow - a sign?

I just looked out the window and saw a GORGEOUS rainbow. It is so big, so clear and arcs gently behind the building across the street. I don't think I've seen a rainbow in a very long time.

A sign? Maybe. I'll take it. It's been one heck of a good day!

remembering the good things

The good things list. I need to be more intentional about writing these down. There have been many good things since my post in April, but I haven't taken the time to think on them. These are the good things on my mind today:

• A new baby God has given me to love and to carry. This is my prayer of thanks each night when I go to bed.
• A partner who is perfect for me. Not perfect. But perfect for me. He complements, supports, challenges, encourages, laughs and loves.
• Volunteering that energizes and reminds me I do have time.
• Grown kitties who still bathe, snuggle and play with each other. And who greet us eagerly when we come home.
• Friends who care about me. Friends who get it. (Especially the wonderful women in blogland and the Thursday night Bible study group.)
• The time to sleep, rest and rejuvenate my body and soul so that I may be ready to face another day.

For each new morning with its light,

For rest and shelter of the night,

For health and food, for love and friends,

For everything Thy goodness sends.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

knitting away

I just got back from Michael's, where I replenished my stash of yarn thanks to a 20% off coupon! I've been knitting dishcloths like crazy - first for Mother's Day gifts, and now some for my soon-to-be sister-in-law's bridal shower. Scarves are my favorite to knit (so far - still a beginner), but I only need so many. So I've been making kids' scarves and hats to donate to an elementary school when the weather grows colder. Too often, there are little ones going outside without good winter gear. There are some really fun yarns that I think kids will like. :)

Anyone else a knitter? Do you have any favorite patterns?

the good things list

Good things. Gratitude. I'd rather keep count the good things in my life than focus on the bad things. Sometimes this practice comes easier than at other times, and I'd fallen away from it lately. I can stop and be grateful for big things and small things alike. So here are some good things on my mind today.

Kitties who are the snuggliest kitties ever.
Atypical warm weather for April.
Good books that keep me entertained for hours.
Balls of yarn for only $1.
Diet Coke in the fridge.
A marriage where there is room for each of our interests.

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.

Buddah