Monday, January 7, 2013

Walking WIth You: who and where i am

Hello friends. It's been so long since I've written (here) that the dates of my posts will now jump from August 2011 to January 2013. Wow. I just haven't known what I wanted to do with this space, but I've been itching to write and hit 'publish.'

Lovely Kelly at Sufficient Grace Ministries is again hosting Walking With You, a weekly space to share our stories, our babies' stories, and love on one another. This week, introductions and where we are on the grief journey.

This is as good a time as any to start writing again...

My 2009 I had two second trimester miscarriages.

My first pregnancy ended April 20, 2009 at 17 weeks, 4 days. I miscarried at home, without little previous indication that anything was wrong. I left work early, and as I drove, I wondered if I was having contractions. Paul wasn't feeling well, so I found him in bed when I got home. That was no small gift. The cramping and bleeding came on quite suddenly. I knew it was over. In my bathroom. With Paul on the phone to the hospital. Horrible doesn't begin to describe it.

We had no idea what to do. I was hysterical, foggy. We wrapped the baby in a towel to bring with us to the ER. I wish so very much that either of us had known to spend time looking at the baby. I threw a change of clothes, a book, a brush and my toothbrush in a bag, not knowing if I'd have to stay at the hospital. It's strange the things that we do think to do. Physically, I was okay. Still recovering from a labor and delivery, but okay. We received an amazing outpouring of support. Simply amazing. Emotionally, I pressed on.

Anytime I can, I share pregnancy and infant loss resources like Sufficient Grace Ministries with others because I wish someone had shared and connected with me.

In December 2009, I miscarried again at 14 weeks. Again. We had seen the heartbeat at least twice (and did with the first, too). The prenatal care coordinator had said it looked like I was having a uncomplicated pregnancy when I was in for early appointments. If only. At a regular OB appointment, there was simply no heartbeat. My doctor sent me to radiology for a better ultrasound, and I'll never forget the image of the still baby.

My doctor decided I should have a D&C after what I went through with my first miscarriage. But it was a Friday, so I had to wait for surgery until Monday. Horrible. Shock. Again? AGAIN?? Physically, the recovery was much easier. Emotionally, that's when my journey into the online babyloss community started.

The week I took off before returning to work, I found your blogs. Holly's first. Then blog-hopped to Kelly's and Lori's and so many others. I devoured them. I joined an amazing online weekly Bible study with many of you lovelies, which truthfully, is the only thing I remember about January through April of 2010. So much healing happened in that time, space. Moving forward.

I eagerly endured a healthy though anxiety-ridden pregnancy and gave birth to Anders February 16, 2011. After my second miscarriage, I was diagnosed with Factor V Leiden, so gave myself daily Lovenox injections throughout my pregnancy. Anders is worth every poke, bruise and much, much more. Since then, I've survived post-partum depression and multiple hills and valleys.

Today...I've accepted that I will always miss my babies and what might have been. It will always hurt; some days more, some days less. Loss hurts. That's okay. But I don't expect my need to talk about my them, and my love for them, to ever go away. I don't want it to. So I'm here.

I have moments where the pain is as sharp. Where it takes my breath away again. I still have flashbacks occasionally. I've also learned in a whole new way that nothing calms my mind and heart like prayer. That I'm stronger than I think. That I can be a mom to all my babies, but know I'll never have it all figured out.

I've learned my mind is clearer when I write. I've learned that I gain strength from this community. And I've learned that I'll forget all of this and need to relearn it another day.

11 kind words:

  1. Beautifully written! Thank you for sharing... I look forward to Walking with You through this series <3

  2. Hi Karin,

    Thank you for sharing your heart and your babies. I am glad to see you back in the "blogging world." Glad to see you feel you have something to do with this space again.

    I am so sorry for your losses, but thank the Lord for the hope, healing, and restoration He brings!

    I look forward to "Walking With You" for this series.

    Much love and hugs,
    Hannah Rose

  3. Thank you for sharing your story on your blog. What great loss in your life with your precious babies. May God continue to restore you, and fill you with a peace and love that overflows...

  4. My husband went to school with Holly and I met Kelly through her as well. They have both been extremely helpful to me. Such strong and amazing women of God! Thank you so much for sharing your story. I cant imagine going through a loss at home. I remember when I miscarried at only 7 weeks I constantly thought every clot was the baby...oh, the panic. I was so scared I was going to accidentally flush it down the toilet. I look forward to reading more from you in the coming weeks!

  5. Oh Karin.

    I just teared up so much reading this.


    It was so raw then for us both. Grateful we all had each other. Still grateful.

    Love you friend, and love that sweet Anders, and the precious siblings that came before and gave so much to this world in their legacy and their impact on those who know of them.

    Just love. xoxoxoxoxo

  6. Hi Karin,
    I'm so very sorry for your losses <3
    I can't imagine going through a miscarriage at home... that must have been so scary. I was at home by myself when I started bleeding and went into premature labor at 29 weeks...My first thought was, -I can't do this at home- and fortunately I was able to drive myself to the hospital.
    Thank you for sharing your story... Reading other BLM's stories has really helped me to understand that I'm not alone in this journey of loss and grief.
    Keeping you in my prayers!

  7. So glad you are writing here and joining us. <3 i think it is wonderful that you share resources with others. It is b/c of people like you who reach out to others that more support is available to those who need it. It must have been so hard going thru you first loss at home and not knowing what to do and then hearing your baby has no heartbeat. :( It is only b/c of my loss that I know what is available and what things to do if you lose a baby otherwise if I would have had a sudden loss before Carleigh without the planning involved I would likely have very little. No one imagines having to do such things.

  8. glad you are walking with us, dear sister. My heart ached reading your words. It was like walking it with you...those moments. I'm so sorry. The missing just doesn't go...even with healing.

    Much love and continued prayers, dear friend.

    And, thank you for sharing with others. It is what drives my heart to press on as well...that we can help more families know what's available to them...what was not available to us.

  9. Thank you for the sweet comment on my blog. I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet babies. It must of been so difficult to deliver at home with know help. I so relate to when you said, "I have moments where the pain is as sharp. Where it takes my breath away again." I have felt the exact same way. Just a sudden moment and I can't believe the pain that sweeps over me. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story!

  10. Thank you for sharing your story, Karin. It is so beautiful!

  11. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your losses. I too think that we will carry the hurt and the missing always but that there is also a peace in God.