Hello friends. It's been so long since I've written (here) that the dates of my posts will now jump from August 2011 to January 2013. Wow. I just haven't known what I wanted to do with this space, but I've been itching to write and hit 'publish.'
Lovely Kelly at Sufficient Grace Ministries is again hosting Walking With You, a weekly space to share our stories, our babies' stories, and love on one another. This week, introductions and where we are on the grief journey.
This is as good a time as any to start writing again...
My story...in 2009 I had two second trimester miscarriages.
My first pregnancy ended April 20, 2009 at 17 weeks, 4 days. I miscarried at home, without little previous indication that anything was wrong. I left work early, and as I drove, I wondered if I was having contractions. Paul wasn't feeling well, so I found him in bed when I got home. That was no small gift. The cramping and bleeding came on quite suddenly. I knew it was over. In my bathroom. With Paul on the phone to the hospital. Horrible doesn't begin to describe it.
We had no idea what to do. I was hysterical, foggy. We wrapped the baby in a towel to bring with us to the ER. I wish so very much that either of us had known to spend time looking at the baby. I threw a change of clothes, a book, a brush and my toothbrush in a bag, not knowing if I'd have to stay at the hospital. It's strange the things that we do think to do. Physically, I was okay. Still recovering from a labor and delivery, but okay. We received an amazing outpouring of support. Simply amazing. Emotionally, I pressed on.
Anytime I can, I share pregnancy and infant loss resources like Sufficient Grace Ministries with others because I wish someone had shared and connected with me.
In December 2009, I miscarried again at 14 weeks. Again. We had seen the heartbeat at least twice (and did with the first, too). The prenatal care coordinator had said it looked like I was having a uncomplicated pregnancy when I was in for early appointments. If only. At a regular OB appointment, there was simply no heartbeat. My doctor sent me to radiology for a better ultrasound, and I'll never forget the image of the still baby.
My doctor decided I should have a D&C after what I went through with my first miscarriage. But it was a Friday, so I had to wait for surgery until Monday. Horrible. Shock. Again? AGAIN?? Physically, the recovery was much easier. Emotionally, that's when my journey into the online babyloss community started.
The week I took off before returning to work, I found your blogs. Holly's first. Then blog-hopped to Kelly's and Lori's and so many others. I devoured them. I joined an amazing online weekly Bible study with many of you lovelies, which truthfully, is the only thing I remember about January through April of 2010. So much healing happened in that time, space. Moving forward.
I eagerly endured a healthy though anxiety-ridden pregnancy and gave birth to Anders February 16, 2011. After my second miscarriage, I was diagnosed with Factor V Leiden, so gave myself daily Lovenox injections throughout my pregnancy. Anders is worth every poke, bruise and much, much more. Since then, I've survived post-partum depression and multiple hills and valleys.
Today...I've accepted that I will always miss my babies and what might have been. It will always hurt; some days more, some days less. Loss hurts. That's okay. But I don't expect my need to talk about my them, and my love for them, to ever go away. I don't want it to. So I'm here.
I have moments where the pain is as sharp. Where it takes my breath away again. I still have flashbacks occasionally. I've also learned in a whole new way that nothing calms my mind and heart like prayer. That I'm stronger than I think. That I can be a mom to all my babies, but know I'll never have it all figured out.
I've learned my mind is clearer when I write. I've learned that I gain strength from this community. And I've learned that I'll forget all of this and need to relearn it another day.