My heart hurts. So much. I feel so broken.
I guess I'm feeling a little impatient. Why aren't I feeling better than I am? Why am I so sad NOW? It has been almost four months since our second baby died, and next month will mark one year since our first baby died.
I'm doing good things that should be helping. I did the blood tests on schedule, and we have a plan for treating the blood clotting abnormality for my next pregnancy. I like my doctors. I've stayed on my med and even increased the dosage. I have a call into my doctor about a referral to a pysch. I've been seeing a therapist who is kind for three months. I've been spending good time in the scriptures and connecting with other women in a Bible study. I'm praying constantly, journaling, crying when I need to, and doing things that make me happy. I've had quality time scrapbooking, knitting, reading and watching The West Wing.
I'm grieving. I accept that (most days), but that doesn't seem to be a good enough answer for others. It's not the immediate days or weeks following my miscarriage(s), so I should be all better, right? No. I'm not. I'm different now, and I'm trying to find my way.
I realize that my path through life won't always be straight, but I don't know how to get around this giant boulder. I can't see around it or over it, and I don't know what to do next. I haven't been here before. God can move it if he wants to, but right now, I'd just be grateful for any hints God might send my way.