Saturday, March 27, 2010

my heart hurts

My heart hurts. So much. I feel so broken.

I guess I'm feeling a little impatient. Why aren't I feeling better than I am? Why am I so sad NOW? It has been almost four months since our second baby died, and next month will mark one year since our first baby died.

I'm doing good things that should be helping. I did the blood tests on schedule, and we have a plan for treating the blood clotting abnormality for my next pregnancy. I like my doctors. I've stayed on my med and even increased the dosage. I have a call into my doctor about a referral to a pysch. I've been seeing a therapist who is kind for three months. I've been spending good time in the scriptures and connecting with other women in a Bible study. I'm praying constantly, journaling, crying when I need to, and doing things that make me happy. I've had quality time scrapbooking, knitting, reading and watching The West Wing.

I'm grieving. I accept that (most days), but that doesn't seem to be a good enough answer for others. It's not the immediate days or weeks following my miscarriage(s), so I should be all better, right? No. I'm not. I'm different now, and I'm trying to find my way.

I realize that my path through life won't always be straight, but I don't know how to get around this giant boulder. I can't see around it or over it, and I don't know what to do next. I haven't been here before. God can move it if he wants to, but right now, I'd just be grateful for any hints God might send my way.

4 kind words:

  1. Bless your heart and right there with you...really. I just don't know how it's so much harder right now. Today is 17 weeks since Matthew was born. Tomorrow will be his four-month birthday.

    I feel so lost. I keep telling myself that it can't get any worse. It's gotta get better.

    And then I beg God to tell me much longer will it be THIS intense? I just feel like I'm at a breaking point every minute.

    You are not alone. I wish that made more of a difference, but for now, know you are not alone. You are loved. Your hurting heart is acknowledged and there is another who knows that you will NEVER get over it, nor is there any expectation for you to do so. You are lifted and you are precious and I will pray for that knowledge to wrap you up like a warm blanket and give you just a little bit of solace in such a hard time.
    Much love!!!

  2. I read these words and my heart nods in agreement. Some days the boulder seems to not even budge a tiny fraction, some days I feel like I am scooting it along and it is SUCH a heavy burden, but I have learned to be gentle with myself (on some days=)). This is a process and a journey...a hard one, but still a process.

    So, be gentle with yourself, sweet Karin. And I will be gentle with myself, too. Pinky promise.

    You are not alone and God is knitting you in my heart as I am praying for you...

  3. Karin,

    Oh I have posted about this very same boulder. Some days it sits so heavily on your chest you feel as if it really might crush you. You are not alone.

    Big hugs and lots of love,

  4. I too understand what you are talking about. Thanks for sharing.