Thursday, March 4, 2010

my story

My husband, Paul, and I have been together for eight years and married for four. We love our two cats, Leinie and Luna, and together we live in ND where I am a grantwriter. I'm a mom to two babies, though I never had the priviledge to know them on this earth. (It's hard for me to claim that word - Mom. Something to work on...)

On April 20, 2009, I had a miscarriage at 17.5 weeks. It was sudden - no symptoms until it happened - and happened at home. We took our little baby with us to the ER. We had decided earlier that we weren't going to find out the baby's sex until birth, and that day, we decided we didn't want to know. But I think our first baby is a girl. Recovery was physically very difficult, and we did not feel comfortable with our doctor, so I found a new doctor, whom we love.

On July 9, our 22-day old niece died of meningitis caused be a late-onset Group B Strep infection. My heart ached for my sister-in-law, now knowing what is feels like to lose a child. She and I have grown very close this year.

We underwent a bit of testing - my doctor was looking for structural abnormalities, given the second trimester miscarriage and an ultrasound that showed a large ovarian cyst. Everything checked out okay, and we were given the go-ahead to try to get pregnant again. One month later...we were expecting a baby in June 2010. My doctor kept a close eye on me, checking hcg and progesterone levels frequently. We also had several ultrasounds. I ended up on progesterone supplements, but all was going well.

Until on December 4, at a regular appointment, when there was no heartbeat at 14 weeks. It happened again. We were so sure that we would get to take this baby home. That was a Friday, and we had to wait until Monday for surgery. That week, while I was home, I spent a lot of time online. I felt an urgent need to grieve well (or better than the first time) and to remember these babies separately from one another. I think this baby is a boy, though we don't know.

How is it that our family lost three babies in the span of eight months? We are a family of strong faith, and we have grown stronger yet, somehow. But it's hard to live with these questions.

Now, I'm undergoing extensive blood tests. We're actually waiting for results at the moment. I've never wanted tests to show something 'wrong' before! I'm hopeful that we will learn more, and that there will be ways to respond in pursuit of a better outcome next time.

I pray for strength, hope and peace daily.

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