Last week, a friend posted a note on Facebook asking all of her 'mom' friends to share how their faith and/or spirituality has changed by having children for a paper she is writing for a seminary class. She didn't tag me. While I noticed the omission, I wasn't angry because I realize that I live in a grey area for some people. She and I had a great conversation following my first miscarriage, and while she was pregnant with twins, but we hadn't talked since my second pregnancy and miscarriage.
In a somewhat uncharacteristic move for me (though I am becoming bolder), I emailed her my thoughts...
I have never needed my God more than now. I have never prayed as often or as urgently as I now do every day, though I have always considered myself to be a faithful person. I am closer to God because I believe with all of my being that my babies are in heaven. And because of God's promise to us, through Jesus, I WILL see those babies one day. I will get to hold them in heaven the way I never could on this earth. There is no greater hope than that. And it is because of my babies that my faith is deepenend.
When I think of how much my heart hurts, when I cry, I try to remember that there is no one who understands this better than God; after all, it was God's son who died for something much bigger than himself. God counts every tear that falls. But I'm not sad when I think about where my babies are. Even though my time with them was so short, I want nothing but the best for them. And that, for me, is one of the few things I can describe about what it means to be a mother. And I AM a mother. It's hard to claim that word sometimes. But it happened when God gave those babies to me to love forever.