one year

One year ago I miscarried my first baby. Today is the last in the series of firsts I've been anticipating, dreading, and who knows what else. It wasn't so bad, just like I had been hoping.

There were a few times today where I looked at the clock and thought about what was happening one year ago at that time. It was almost surreal to think about how much has happened since then.

My little brother brought flowers to my office today (sent on an errand by my mom :) ), and on the card he had signed for my parents, brothers, "and all those who love you".  So sweet. White and yellow daisies - my favorite - in a big yellow mug with a smiley face on it. And in the middle of the daisies, two of my favorite roses - yellow with reddish tips. At first I didn't notice the number of roses. Two.

That made me cry. And I'm crying now. I'm crying in full force the tears that stayed at bay for most of the day.

My dear sister-in-law sent me a message this morning that ended with "this auntie will not forget your sweet baby." That means so much to me because no one has referred to their relation to our babies after my miscarriages. And sweet friends left notes for me on Facebook. Those words mean so much to me.

Paul and I went out to dinner tonight. We just needed to spend some nice time together. And it was good.

I don't have any insight on anything tonight. My heart just hearts. But tomorrow is another day.