giveaway for rainbow parents @ beyond words designs!

Stephanie over at Carried through Grief is doing a great giveaway for rainbow parents over at Beyond Words Designs. She's offering 50% off one of her Fanciful collection pieces! I am super excited to order one for baby's room with his/her name...once we know what it is after his/her birthday! I can't wait to see what she comes up with for my baby. It's fun to think about doing something concrete for this baby.

Be sure to check her offer out out. All of her pieces are beautiful, and created with such love in memory of her daughter, Amelia.

weekly Wednesday good things

These things make me smile, and I would rather think of them than all of the things that could frustrate me.

• Chocolate Xtreme Blizzard for dinner after a bad day at work.
• A husband who takes care of the dishwasher filled with dish soap instead of dishwasher detergent, and who let me hide in the bedroom so as not to have to deal with it.
• Long phone conversations with good friends.
• Winning three dozen homemade cookies with my department.
• A wireless headset for my work phone. New toys are fun!

What is on your good things list?

rainbow - a sign?

I just looked out the window and saw a GORGEOUS rainbow. It is so big, so clear and arcs gently behind the building across the street. I don't think I've seen a rainbow in a very long time.

A sign? Maybe. I'll take it. It's been one heck of a good day!

a wiggle, two arms and two legs

We had an AWESOME OB appointment today!!!!

Dr. B. skipped the doppler and went straight to the ultrasound. After a few seconds of focusing, there was the flicker! The smile didn't leave my face after that, and still hasn't. Baby wiggled a bit for us, and we got to see the little arm and leg buds. Baby actually looked a little bit like a baby! Dr. B. took a good look around, and we gazed at baby for several minutes. Paul asked for pictures (that's his job at appointments - the one thing for him to remember) and we came home with three wonderful pictures of baby. That's already more than we have from our previous two pregnancies combined. I need to figure out how to get them up here.

Dr. B. was actually running ahead today, so they called me back a few minutes early - before Paul got there. My stomach had been flipping and I was just scared. I did okay until the nurse brought me into the exam room, when I sat down and promptly started crying. The last time I was in that room was my two-week follow-up appointment after my last miscarriage. It was just overwhelming. I get overwhelmed so easily right now.

The nurse is the same one who was with us the day we learned our baby boy had no heartbeat. She told me she's a crier and will start up when I cry. She let me calm down a bit while she went over my lab work and THEN she took my blood pressure. That was a good move, but my heart was still racing! After the appointment, she told me that when Dr. B. came out, she asked right away if everything was okay. And then she hugged me in the hall.

We spent a good amount of time talking with Dr. B., and she's very eager to see us through this pregnancy. I go back in two weeks for an ultrasound and in four weeks for my next appointment. She said we'll just take things from appointment to appointment, but she'll likely see me every two weeks from week 13 to week 22 - the critical weeks in my previous pregnancies. Being cared for like this alone gives me so much comfort and peace of mind.

God is so good! Every day I have with my baby is another day my heart grows a bit bigger.

remembering the good things

The good things list. I need to be more intentional about writing these down. There have been many good things since my post in April, but I haven't taken the time to think on them. These are the good things on my mind today:

• A new baby God has given me to love and to carry. This is my prayer of thanks each night when I go to bed.
• A partner who is perfect for me. Not perfect. But perfect for me. He complements, supports, challenges, encourages, laughs and loves.
• Volunteering that energizes and reminds me I do have time.
• Grown kitties who still bathe, snuggle and play with each other. And who greet us eagerly when we come home.
• Friends who care about me. Friends who get it. (Especially the wonderful women in blogland and the Thursday night Bible study group.)
• The time to sleep, rest and rejuvenate my body and soul so that I may be ready to face another day.

For each new morning with its light,

For rest and shelter of the night,

For health and food, for love and friends,

For everything Thy goodness sends.

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

questions, questions

Today was my appointment with the nurse for the "class" and to do the medical history. They do new forms for each pregnancy, so I repeated my medical history for the third time in the last 18 months, with the only additions being this is now my third pregnancy, along with the hetero FVL.

The questions I have this time are so different from the first time around. I don't ask about servings of fish or what activities should be restricted. I don't ask about the litter box or if the occasional twinges and pangs in my lower abdomen are normal.

I ask if they're testing for RH antibodies since I'm RH negative with two miscarriages and two Rhogam shots. I ask about drug interactions with Lovenox. I ask where to dispose of my sharps container. I ask if any there are any changes to the medications list in the last six months. I ask about the frequency of monitoring (for my peace of mind) AFTER the first trimester, since my problems seem to come AFTER week 12. I ask for reassurance that we're doing everything possible to bring home a healthy baby.

All I can do is trust, pray, hope and wait.

met a miracle on Saturday

I met a miracle on Saturday. She was 10 days old and has strawberry blonde hair. She slept in my arms for over an hour, and didn't like her feet to be uncovered.

This little girl has been hoped for and prayed for by many for a very long time. Her heartbeat was the first her parents saw after several miscarriages and rounds of IVF. The announcement of her arrival on Facebook received more comments that I have ever seen before. All babies are special, but she is SPECIAL.

The whole time I sat holding her and watched her mom with her, I was so hopeful. Her first picture shows eight cells, and now she's a feisty little baby. With so much that has to happen perfectly, it's a miracle babies are ever born. But it happens. This little girl is here. She is proof that all can be well after devastation.

This little one I am carrying is a miracle, too. I fully plan to hold my little one in my arms in about seven months and marvel at what a miracle she/he is.

 I love my little one so very much.

switching pictures

So tonight I took down the ultrasound picture of my second little one. It's the only picture we have of either our first two little ones, so it's pretty special to me. But we have a new little one on the way and a brand new picture of her/him.

I had thought about taking that picture down for awhile and putting it away in my little guy's memory box, after all, it has been over seven months (how is that possible?) that we learned he had died. But I liked it there. It was really hard for me to move those two little magnets.

It hurt a lot.

A lot. I'm still surprised at the things that creep up on me.

overwhelmed

I am absolutely overwhelmed. Most of it is the good kind, but there has just been a lot of baby stuff in the last week.

On Friday, we marked one year since my baby niece Sophia died. That one still hurts a lot. I hurt for my sister-in-law, Sophia's mother, because I understand a mother's grieving heart. The only time I held that sweet little baby was about a half hour after she died, and that's what I thought about on Friday. That's something I didn't get to do with my babies. It was the first time I had felt the weight of a baby in my arms since my first miscarriage. I have a picture of me holding her, but it's one of the few things I can't look at. I think I've opened it twice in the last year. I so treasure those moments holding her, but thinking about it brings me to tears every time.

Those feelings of sadness are confused with the feelings of anticipation to learn that Sophia will have a baby brother! That same Friday, my SIL learned the sex of the baby who is due in November.

On Thursday night, some very dear friends welcomed a baby girl into the world. She has been prayed for, hoped for and loved by many since before we new she was coming. It's been a long journey for them. When I read the news, my heart just swelled and my face couldn't contain my smile. So, so happy for them. News of her safe arrival made a great day (we saw OUR baby's heartbeat!) even better.

Other babies born in the last week: two friends had baby girls, and Paul's cousin had a baby boy. Paul's mom spent all of yesterday texting labor progression updates. (Side note - we will NOT be texting such detailed updates to his mom now that we know she forwards them to extended family.)

That's a lot of baby news for one week....four new babies, learning we have a nephew on the way, and remembering a sweet little girl. This doesn't even include news from blogland mamas. Throw in my own joy of seeing my little one's heartbeat and a boatload of pregnancy hormones, and I'm overwhelmed. But happy. SO, so happy.

But I'm kinda hoping for a less eventful week this week.

cumulative trimester plan

I think there should be a cumulative trimester plan. Once you put in 40 weeks total, you bring home a baby. Wouldn't that be nice?! I figure I've done a couple first trimesters plus already, so it's about time.

Paul thinks that is irrational. I'm a pregnant woman. I don't have to be rational.

first peek at baby!

We had a GREAT ultrasound this morning! My favorite tech was scanning me, and she took me right to the heartbeat. :) She said she had read my history, and then asked what we were doing to make sure we could bring home this baby.

Baby is measuring 6w2d, and I'm 6w4d from my last period. We're thinking baby implanted a couple days late, so this is right on track. The heart rate is excellent at 133! So far we're sticking with a due date of February 27. I have a fibroid that is still hanging out on the outside of my uterus near the top. Last fall it was 1cm, and now it is 1.5. She said I'll get some extra ultrasounds out of the deal, but it shouldn't cause any problems.

I go in for my first OB appointment in two weeks. The nurse said four, but the options were two and six weeks out, so the nurse insisted on the sooner one. LOVE her. The nurse was panicking because she thought I was scheduled for tomorrow and didn't know why I was there today. It was fun to see her as relieved and excited as I am!

I'm going to ride this adrenaline high all day!

ultrasound tomorrow...deep breath

I've been doing my best not to think about tomorrow's ultrasound too much. At 6w4d, I know we might see the heartbeat or might not. I keep telling myself that if we don't, that just means I'll get to go back next week. We're scheduled for right away in the morning, so at least I don't have to try to make it through the work day!

Regardless of what we see, I'm asking for a picture. My greatest regret from my previous pregnancies is that I only have one picture, of the little one at 7 weeks we lost in December. That picture is still on my fridge, and is on the list of five things I'd take with me in the event of a fire. I can't wait to add a picture of this little one.

I hope I have the nice tech tomorrow who points things out to me. And I need to remember the kleenex.

baby bird

We have baby birds. Or rather the mama barn swallow who nested on our patio has baby birds. They hatched sometime last week, and all we've seen is four tiny tufts of hair and four big, yellow, open mouths peeking out from the nest.

When we got home tonight, Paul looked out on the patio and saw a baby bird sitting in the flower pot - several feet below the safe, cozy nest. I insisted that we help it. So Paul carefully rigged up a dust pan on a broom, and used our church newsletter to coax the birdie onto the dustpan. He climbed the stepladder and gently shook the bird back into the nest. It worked until the baby bird lost its balance and fell again.

I couldn't watch. The tears started flowing, and I left the room. When he came back inside, I asked through my sobbing if the baby bird had died. It was a bit stunned, but still alive, so Paul repeated the process and safely deposited baby bird back into the nest. I hope mama bird will welcome baby bird. As far as I'm concerned, the baby bird will be just fine until he can fly away on his own. I have to have hope.

This was the first pregnancy emotional hormone incident. Sometimes I realize it in the moment - when I start giggling through my tears because I'm so ridiculous. When Paul gives me a bewildered look, sometimes I take it well...other times I think he's making fun of me, which usually doesn't help. Tonight, I think he was a bit surprised about needing to comfort me over the near death of a baby bird.

The other part of it is that I can't stand to see babies - of any kind - hurting. Not when I know what it's like to be a hurting mama. Baby bird's mother was doing her barn swallow swoops while her baby shivered in the flower pot. She couldn't help her baby, and that just makes my heart hurt.

My heart hurts for some very special mamas who are in the midst of new, raw hurt and loss. I wish I could just scoop them up, too, but all I can do is surround them in prayer.

flashbacks

The flashbacks don't go away. It had been a little while, as in maybe a week, but last night they took ahold of me again. I can't seem to pinpoint any triggers when the happen. Last night, I was just lying in bed praying before falling asleep, and they flooded my mind. "Bad" doctor from my first pregnancy. Sitting in the bathroom realizing I was miscarrying. Wondering what to do next. The hours in the ER. Enduring awful contractions on the pitocin, knowing I wasn't going to get anything from them. Leaving the hospital, empty and empty-handed. They just spiral, and the pictures in my mind are so vivid.

While I don't want to forget what happened - this is now part of my story - I don't want to relive those hours, days, weeks after either baby died. It hurt more than enough the first time. I wrote my stories, with all the details I could muster, because they are a part of me. Those words are just for me, and I am glad I have them. Part of me was hoping that if I wrote them down, so as not to forget, I wouldn't have to think about them all the time. But that only addresses the part where I willingly bring myself back to that place. I can't control the thoughts that seem to come on their own, rushing into my consciousness in such a way that I don't know what has happened until I am already well on my way down the path.

Will they ever stop? Will they always take my breath away? Flashbacks. My whole body gives with the weight of them. The physical pain of a broken heart is very real.