The flashbacks don't go away. It had been a little while, as in maybe a week, but last night they took ahold of me again. I can't seem to pinpoint any triggers when the happen. Last night, I was just lying in bed praying before falling asleep, and they flooded my mind. "Bad" doctor from my first pregnancy. Sitting in the bathroom realizing I was miscarrying. Wondering what to do next. The hours in the ER. Enduring awful contractions on the pitocin, knowing I wasn't going to get anything from them. Leaving the hospital, empty and empty-handed. They just spiral, and the pictures in my mind are so vivid.
While I don't want to forget what happened - this is now part of my story - I don't want to relive those hours, days, weeks after either baby died. It hurt more than enough the first time. I wrote my stories, with all the details I could muster, because they are a part of me. Those words are just for me, and I am glad I have them. Part of me was hoping that if I wrote them down, so as not to forget, I wouldn't have to think about them all the time. But that only addresses the part where I willingly bring myself back to that place. I can't control the thoughts that seem to come on their own, rushing into my consciousness in such a way that I don't know what has happened until I am already well on my way down the path.
Will they ever stop? Will they always take my breath away? Flashbacks. My whole body gives with the weight of them. The physical pain of a broken heart is very real.