baby mine

So I was on a thread entitled "Things emotional pregnant women should avoid" and saw "Baby Mine" from Dumbo and sung by Allison Krauss mentioned. I love Allison Krauss, so I decided to check it out on YouTube. It's beautiful. And now I'm sobbing.

Check it out...but be forewarned.

so in love

My heart is so full. I don't know how it's possible, but I love this little one more and more each day.

We saw baby again today at our ultrasound. I thought we were doing just a quick check again, but she ended up doing the full anatomy scan. Baby is measuring right on track! The head and stomach are measuring about 18w4 (I'm 17w5d), but the femur is about a week behind the head. I'm short, so that just made me laugh. Overall, everything looks GREAT. We saw two arms, two legs, two kidneys, one bladder, a four-chambered heart that's beating 150 bpm, a three-vesseled cord, an adorable spine, a perfect amount of fluid, the list goes on. We do NOT know the sex, however. The tech promised she wouldn't put it in the report, and I don't think she spent much time looking.

We had my favorite tech again today, and she tells us what she's seeing and will tell us if that measurement is normal to the extent she can. She knows our story and is sympathetic to me wanting to know as much as possible. She also just let us watch baby for a bit. Baby was tumbling all over the place! 

We were having a hard time getting a great face profile shot, but we do have a great frontal shot of baby's head, albeit bit skeletor looking, that is made cuter because we see a nice round belly and a sweet little hand waving. *I promise to put pictures up someday. First I need to get a new camera, and that is quickly becoming a priority.*

A fun surprise for the day - after she was done with the scan, she asked if they could use a new machine that a rep was showing today. Of course - it was extra time to watch baby! It was a lot of fun. The rep and two more techs joined (I always seem to have a party in my exam rooms) and looked all over. We even got to see baby in 4D! Of course, baby had already put on the show and decided to nap for this portion of the scan, so we didn't get a bunch of good pictures, but that's okay. I hope the hospital decides to purchase the new machine so we can get some good 4D pictures when baby is a little chubbier. :)

As soon as I saw baby wiggling around on the screen, I felt the biggest relief. It has been a rough week. I'd been worrying about today's scan, and Wednesday was the date when I miscarried the first baby. I've been keeping it together just enough to get through the work day, but it was definitely a marginal week as far as work completed. I'm sure that the worrying and stress is a part of what is making me so tired. This weekend is for relaxing, growing baby, and maybe playing a bit of piano for baby. I pray constantly, and only that gives me peace. 

I bought the cutest pair of faux baby Birkenstocks, and they came in the mail yesterday. Today I saw the perfect little foot that will wear them.

second trimester energy?

Where is the second trimester boost of energy I've heard and read about?! I feel like I am as tired as ever, routinely needing 9-10 hours of sleep. My eyes start to droop at about 2pm and it's a fight to the end of the day. Oh well. it's hard work growing a baby.

Three more days until our next ultrasound!! I'm hoping for some good pictures, especially one that shows baby's sweet profile.

random things about karin

I'm home sick with a stomach bug or something today, so I thought I'd do a fun post. I have to credit Stephanie's post from last week for the inspiration.

Random facts about me

• I have red hair. No one in my family has red hair.
• Because of said red hair and the fairest of fair skin, I avoid the sun obsessively. However, I was a lifeguard at an outdoor pool in high school.
• I've been playing piano since I was three.
• I believe that lefse belongs on every holiday dinner table.
• The only thing I have won in a contest or drawing is a case of Coke for a grocery store coloring contest when I was 10.
• Oatmeal, rommegrot, and other mushy, watery foods make me gag.
• As a camp cook, I had to make giant pots of oatmeal every Wednesday morning for breakfast. 
• I grew up 15 miles from the Canadian border and spent many winter weekends in Canada for my brothers' hockey games. Canadian coins were as common at my house as U.S. coinage.
• I golfed in a high school state tournament and took sixth place as a team.
• M*A*S*H is one of my favorite TV shows, and I can identify most episodes within the first 30 seconds. My dad conditioned me not to talk during the show except for commercials. Now I get frustrated with Paul if he tries to talk during M*A*S*H.
• I was a delegate at the 2008 ND state democratic convention where both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama spoke. I stood onstage behind Obama for his speech and took a photo with Clinton after hers.
• I don't worry about my kids being smart. I worry about their sense of rhythm. 
• My college mascot is a cob of corn named Kernel. He routinely makes lists of bizarre mascots.
• I like to dress my cats up in cute costumes. They have matching sailor scarves.
• In high school, I gave a humorous speech on how mechanically declined I am. 
• I learned how to knit in January, and now I am surrounded by piles of washcloths and scarves.
• I love grammar. 
• The Little Mermaid is my favorite movie. She is a princess with red hair.
• I really like artificial grape flavoring. Jello, hard candy, Dimetapp.
• Because of camp cook experience, I can easily make tator tot hotdish for 300. I really don't like hotdish.

good report at appointment

Baby had another picture taken yesterday! I'm going to have quite the collection for the pregnancy scrapbook I need to start. My doctor didn't even bother with the doppler...we all wanted another peek at baby. All looks good! Baby is growing and growing with a heart just beating away. My placenta was easier to see this time, and it turns out that it's anterior. So maybe the taps from the other day weren't baby, but I still think they were. :) It was also fun to hear her say that she can definitely feel that my uterus is growing and is right where it should be, size-wise.

It was quite the party in my exam room yesterday. In addition to the usuals - me, Paul and Dr. B - there was a med student and a nurse. Now that I'm finally off the progesterone suppositories, Dr. B. did a pap and more thorough pelvic exam. (She made me promise that I wouldn't get upset if I saw spotting later because it would be quite likely following the test/exam.) So while that was going on, the med student was observing, the nurse was setting up the ultrasound, and Paul was texting. It was quite funny as I sat there in yards of fabric from a too-big gown and piles of glorified paper napkins. Whatever. I really don't care about all that as long as I get a peek at baby!

I go back two weeks from today for an ultrasound, and then two weeks from Monday, I see Dr. B and do an early glucose test. She asked if we're going to find out the sex. (We aren't.) It was fun to talk about "normal" pregnancy things like that! On her way out, she said she can't wait to get past 20 weeks. I know I repeat myself over and again when I talk about appointments, but I really love how my doctor feels invested in this pregnancy, too.

We're now thinking about the quad screen. We really didn't get this far with the other pregnancies to be seriously considering it. I think we're leaning towards not doing it. Though we have previous miscarriages in our history, we really don't have any of the potential risk factors that encourage doing the test. We feel it would cause unnecessary worry between waiting for the results and the potential for false positives. We want to avoid an amnio if at all possible because we're just not willing to take the risk while looking for trouble. What are your thoughts on screening tests? What have you done?

It was a crazy week at work with a big grant proposal due today. I've spent most of the last week working in USD/EUR conversions, and my head never hurts as much as when I have to do budgets in euros. I've settled in with some guilty pleasure TV, chocolate covered almonds and caffeine free diet coke in a wine glass. Everything tastes better in a wine glass, and since I won't be partaking in my grant submission day-red wine ritual for awhile, this will have to suffice.

Fun news for the day - my best friend (who is due one week before me; Paul thinks it was a conspiracy) found out she's having a girl! Big brother J will be almost two when that little girl comes. Our babies will either be best friends and college roommates like we were or betrothed to one another from birth. I'll be perfectly happy with either arrangement. :)

I am just so in love with this little one in my belly! I love that my pants are starting to be snug in the waist, that I can't stay awake past 10pm, and that I have five beautiful sets of pictures on my fridge. Even though there are two baby-sized holes in my heart, my heart grows right along with this little one.

15 weeks and a tap tap from baby!

I'm 15 weeks and can't believe how fast the time is going! The days are ticking by, and I do my best to just live in that day and not worry. It works....for the most part. :)

This morning I think I felt baby move for the first time! I was lying in bed petting a kitty and felt a couple light taps in my lower belly. It definitely wasn't my pulse, and it sure didn't feel like gas. After a few more minutes of being still and quiet, I felt it again. So I'm saying it was baby.

These are the moments I've been waiting for. Brand new pregnancy milestones that are new to me. I didn't feel any movement with my first two babies. I can't wait until baby is bigger and stronger, and I can feel him or her move regularly.

On Thursday I go back to the doctor. I'm looking forward to hearing a heartbeat (will also be a first when it happens!) or maybe seeing baby. If we do get to see baby, I hope my OB will measure the size because she didn't last time. I just want every reassurance that baby is growing and growing.

Another good thing for today - it was sweater weather! After a very hot summer (for North Dakota), I am ready for some crisp fall days.

God is so good. God is carrying me through this all. My worries consume me less only because I give them over and my load is lightened. Every evening, I thank God for giving me this baby to love and to carry, and for another day with baby. I love every day I have with baby, and I hope the count of days on this earth goes on and on.

just hanging in there

This week has had lots of good things! These are the moments when my heart and mind are content, and the worry stays at bay. These are the moments I hold onto during the other times.

• A great date night at Garrison Keillor's (of the Prairie Home Companion radio show) Summer Love tour. Lawn seats were not only cheaper, they had the best views! He sang, told stories, and ambled around the audience for well over two hours. Even though it was a bit cool (we were in an outdoor ampitheater), windy and rainy, we left with smiling and singing.
• A relatively uneventful weekend. We passed the 14 week mark with no reasons to worry. I didn't do much other than hang out and grow a baby. :)
• Fun friends scrappin' and stamping' the night away. I love my monthly scrapbooking group at church! I was working on cards this month, but it still felt good to get my hands in that paper.
• An indulgent evening watching the Emmys. I like awards shows and the red carpet interviews. Paul doesn't. At all. That's why it's good that we have TVs in separate rooms some days.
• Days that are finally cooling off. I am much more comfortable in the crisp fall air than the sticky, heavy, hot air of summer. My favorite - wearing sweaters and my Birkenstocks at the same time.

Sunday night brought a bump in the week. My parents had spent the weekend here helping my brother move into his college house, and learned on their drive home that one of their cats was killed on the highway by there house. Paul and I had just gone to bed and were talking about how this day we were anticipating turned out to be just fine. Until my mom sent that text message.

I just don't know how to process sad news now. I can't separate it from my own feelings of loss. Mom's cats are the same age as mine, and they definitely aren't my pets, but I still know them well. And more than that, I know how mom loved her little Lita. Pets are members of our family, and they make their way into our hearts forever.

My heart just hurts a lot. For little Lita's brother and playmate who keeps looking for her. For my mom. For my babies. I can't even write that without the tears coming. Monday was a mental health day. I slept, recovered from the massive headache (stress headaches + pregnancy = wish I could take more than Tylenol), and snuggled my kitties. I also thought about how I need to protect my emotions, including asking that difficult news be shared with me in a certain way. I just have to be gentle with myself.