due date

So today is my due date for my second baby. It's so surreal. How has the time managed to go so quickly and slowly all at once? So much has happened since we learned we were pregnant back in September.

But it's okay. I'm actually doing okay. The anticipation of the due date for my first baby was much more intense. But I've been through it before, and I've survived. I mentioned it to Paul last night, and he said he didn't remember because it wasn't important anymore. Ouch. It's still important to me, but I understand that the best way he copes is to not dwell on what might have been.

People are waiting for me to announce a pregnancy...just yesterday, a coworker texted me and said, "You're pregnant! That's why you passed on the ceviche at lunch!" Nope. Just ran out of time to eat. I was actually quite disappointed I missed out on the ceviche. That exchange probably got to me more than living through today. It's the things that I don't prepare for (when it seems like I over-prepare for every situation I can imagine) that get to me, rather than the things I think will bother me.

I have so much love for my babies and Paul. And I have the capacity to love more babies, however and whenever they come to me.

A couple weeks ago, I wrote about how I was contemplating if I could choose to move forward and not live in the intense grief. I think I have; I just needed someone else to tell me that I could. I wish more than anything I was holding a baby right now. That I'd have the summer off to just be a mom. I will always long for my babies. I miss what I don't have and haven't experienced...yet...basically all the things that come with being further along in pregnancy. One day I'll be there.