going bananas

The only time I like bananas is when I'm pregnant. When I'm not - they are soooo not my whole fruit of choice. Even banana cream pie - and pie makes just about everything good. Thinking about the correlation just makes me laugh.

No food cravings or aversions, but the loss of appetite has fully kicked in. I have to schedule myself to eat, or otherwise I forget. That's just like last two times and definitely not like not-pregnant Karin! It's hard to tell what's "normal" for me when I haven't yet had a successful pregnancy. I constantly compare, but it's not worth stressing about. Or so I tell myself today. :)

And the most exciting thing of today - even more so than a massage and buying a new bra - was finding a new injection spot on my belly that didn't hurt at all! Oh the things we pregnant ladies get excited by...

nurses are the best (and yay for progesterone!)

Today's progesterone level is 19.8! I think this is the highest I've been (when we've been tracking, anyway). Those darn suppositories are working. My nurse said they don't supplement anything over 20, so given that I'm at about the right place, and obviously it's working, we're not going to change anything. So, another seven weeks to go.

And how wonderful are nurses?! Seriously, I love mine. The one I've been talking with is one of the prenatal care coordinators, and I just call and leave my questions/request for blood work results on the OB nurse voicemail. She knows my history, and tends to both my physical and emotional concerns. She is encouraging and hopeful, and I trust her completely. I need to thank my nurses more often.

In an optimistic move, I ordered some maternity pants from Old Navy. They were already on sale, and then the fact that the whole purchase was an additional 30 percent off sealed the deal. How could I not?! I'm just trying to be practical...

"good looking pregnancy"

HCG = 301. It more than doubled! (Monday = 128)

The nurse told me we have a good looking pregnancy going here! I was starting to get nervous last night because I know that yesterday's draw was an important one. But now I feel great!

The plan...check progesterone next Tuesday, after I've been on the suppositories for a week. Then, we have an ultrasound scheduled for the following week. I'll be 6w4d by my last period, but in case I ovulated late, she wants to be sure we'll see a heartbeat.

I absolutely love my doctor and the nurses. The nurse I've been talking with knows my history and totally gets that there is a certain level of anxiety that goes with pregnancy after a loss. She doesn't downplay it at all. She said she started a file for this pregnancy, and she intends to complete it. :) When we were talking about the aspirin regimen, she said if I'm not taking it constantly, I can start again during the preconception time. And this is what I love - she said planning for number two running around, but number four in my heart. She also said they're going to fold me under their wings and take care of me. LOVE IT.

We talked about how with the last pregnancy, we did all we could with the knowledge we had, and with this one, we know more and are being even more agressive. Knowing that gives me confidence. (So please remind me of that on those days I'm feeling less confident.) And she kept calling me a mom. There's little better for my heart right now than hearing that. And she called me a good mom for all that I'm doing for this little one.

I forgot how hard it is to concentrate at work while I'm pregnant...too much on my  mind!

i'm PREGNANT!

It's been a long time since I've written, but other than in the last few days, not much has been going on. That's changed now...

I'm pregnant! I'm about 4w2d, which puts me bringing home a baby somewhere around February 27!

I really, really didn't think this would be the month. But then on Thursday (conveniently the same day Paul went out of town), my breasts started to feel heavy. That was an early symptom with my last two pregnancies also. Then Friday, when I stood up from my desk, I swear I felt round ligament pain. I've never had a twinge there other than when I was pregnant. So I decided to pick up some tests at the drugstore, and I was going to wait until my missed period on Sunday. But I couldn't wait. There was faint line, but it was definitely there! I wanted to tell Paul in person when he got home Saturday night, so I managed to not tell anyone for a WHOLE DAY (including my mother-in-law and sister-in-law at my other sister-in-law's bridal shower), even after a second test Saturday morning. Slightly darker pink line! A third test on Sunday was definitely darker. Paul didn't think it was necessary and thought HE should pee on the stick, but I wanted to see that line again. I told my best friend on Sunday, who is due February 21. It'll be a fun (long) nine months together. :)

I so excited, but feeling so cautious. Realistic but hopeful. Paul is more nervous than I am right now. We'll see how long my anxiety stays at bay...

Yesterday I called my doctor's office and went in for a draw to check hcg and progesterone. She called this morning with the results, and they're both low. Okay but low. Hcg is 128.4 at 4w1d, and progesterone is 10.59. So today I get to start the progesterone suppositories. Blech. It's higher than last time though - my first progesterone then was 4.8. I'll manage to find the positive in just about anything! This time she's starting me at 100mg twice/day right away. Last time, when she upped me to that dosage, the levels responded quickly. Let's hope the same happens this time.

Since we learned that I have Factor V Leiden, I've also started the Lovenox journey. Both the hematologist and the perinatologist recommended it, so that's what my OB prescribed after talking to them again. I'm on 40mg once/day. I picked up my stuff yesterday, and did the first injection last night. ALL BY MYSELF! On the FIRST try! I'm REALLY not a fan of needles, so this was a big deal. It wasn't too bad. It definitely stung for a few minutes afterwards, but I was very proud of myself. Then Paul took me to get ice cream. It was just a first injection celebration; as much as I would like to, I don't think it's in my best interest to reward myself with ice cream every day. The black and blue mark keeps getting bigger and darker. Oh well. I was never much for bikinis anyway. ;)

Please pray for us and that baby grows as (s)he should. I go back tomorrow to check hcg and will get the results on Thursday. Think happy doubling thoughts!

sad day for cobbers

I am so saddened today by the sudden death of my college president. At only 65, she died from a stroke early this morning. President J came my senior year of college, the first female president in Concordia's 120 year history. Her vision of Concordia's future is inspiring; and she did great work moving a rather conservative Lutheran school forward. I have been privileged to work at my alma mater under her leadership for the past five years, and I have great hope for our future. I pray that our next president will continue her good work.

This news hit me especially hard today, at the conclusion of a five-day VERY intense leadership conference for women. (More on that later...it was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.) To lose such a progressive female leader is devastating. My heart is sad tonight.

I realize this will mean very little to anyone who reads this, but these emotions are weighing heavily on me right now. I suppose they are augmented by the fact that I'm exhausted, over-stimulated, motivated and pondering so many opportunities.

Soli Deo Gloria.

due date

So today is my due date for my second baby. It's so surreal. How has the time managed to go so quickly and slowly all at once? So much has happened since we learned we were pregnant back in September.

But it's okay. I'm actually doing okay. The anticipation of the due date for my first baby was much more intense. But I've been through it before, and I've survived. I mentioned it to Paul last night, and he said he didn't remember because it wasn't important anymore. Ouch. It's still important to me, but I understand that the best way he copes is to not dwell on what might have been.

People are waiting for me to announce a pregnancy...just yesterday, a coworker texted me and said, "You're pregnant! That's why you passed on the ceviche at lunch!" Nope. Just ran out of time to eat. I was actually quite disappointed I missed out on the ceviche. That exchange probably got to me more than living through today. It's the things that I don't prepare for (when it seems like I over-prepare for every situation I can imagine) that get to me, rather than the things I think will bother me.

I have so much love for my babies and Paul. And I have the capacity to love more babies, however and whenever they come to me.

A couple weeks ago, I wrote about how I was contemplating if I could choose to move forward and not live in the intense grief. I think I have; I just needed someone else to tell me that I could. I wish more than anything I was holding a baby right now. That I'd have the summer off to just be a mom. I will always long for my babies. I miss what I don't have and haven't experienced...yet...basically all the things that come with being further along in pregnancy. One day I'll be there.