one of those days

As I sit here, my eyes are swollen and red from crying. Just because my mind starts wandering.

I had to set aside my Pregnancy After Loss book, which I normally love, because it made me sad. I hadn't yet made it to the third trimester section, and in real life, I'm almost there! But it's overwhelming. Thoughts about setting up baby's room or not, depending on what we may have done in previous pregnancies. Whatever feels right is right. We didn't do anything for baby's room before or even make many purchases. Now we are. The crib came on Friday. I have a drawer full of clothes. Wall art half purchased. And we're excited about it all. But tonight, realizing that we have these things that mean baby is coming and wondering if we'll be one of those couples who has the room all set up and doesn't get to bring a baby home, I am terrified. That almost makes me not want to do it.

Yet I say over and again that I will live in hope and not in fear.

Would guarding my heart be easier? I've definitely lived in that realm. Not necessarily. If something were to happen, it will hurt beyond anything I can imagine. More than anything, I just want to be in my excitement, but it's really hard some days.

So that started the uneasy feelings. Then I really got upset when reading about potential danger signs, one of which is not gaining a pound per week. I'm not. This whole pregnancy, I've played with five pounds lower than my starting weight. I'd go up and down within those five pounds. And I'm still down two pounds from my starting weight. My tummy is definitely growing, and baby has always measured right on track. My tummy even measured large at the last appointment. I wouldn't be worried if I felt I were eating well. But it's hard to eat when you have no appetite. At all. I don't get sick when I eat, but nothing ever sounds good. Lest you worry, I do eat (mostly) healthy food each day. For some reason it just set me off tonight. Poor Paul was opening all the cupboards trying to suggest things while I cried. I think he would have made me anything I wanted. I decided I wanted toast and chicken strips.

But that's not all. I feel like my parents aren't excited about baby, and that bothers me. I think they are, but my mom has said it's hard for her to be excited this time. She always asks how the pregnancy is going (to the point she adds my appointments to her planner), but she never talks about baby. No one in my family does. Baby only enters conversation if I bring it up.

I guess I don't know what I'm expecting. It just bothers me a bit that they gave us a "congratulations on your pregnancy" card with the first two and not this one. The second baby also got a little Winnie the Pooh blanket. Nothing for this baby. (Actually, we didn't receive any congratulations cards from anyone this time. I have to admit, it hurts a bit. Like this baby might not make it so it's not worth their time. This baby deserves to be celebrated, too.) It's not about material things, but maybe I equate that with excitement and planning. My mother-in-law can't stop buying things, even little things. A glider rocker for my Christmas gift, an ultrasound frame, layettes, a quilt, and that's just what she's given us. My friend's mom picks up stuff for her baby girl all the time, who will make her entrance the same time as my baby. Why doesn't my mom?

Paul says she's probably just being cautious, and I get that. It just feels like yet again, I'm missing out on some of those "normal" pregnancy things that others get to enjoy.

And of course my mind spins. Baby showers. Lovely friends are hosting two for us in January. One is at work, and the other is a friends couples shower. I mentioned them to my mom, since she'll be invited along with my mother-in-law, and there was no reaction. I just really want my mom at my shower, and she makes the drive for many other reasons (we live about four hours from them).

All of this just made me cry. Pregnancy hormones certainly don't help. I don't know what to expect, yet I am frustrated that things aren't "normal." This pregnancy after loss thing is hard. Really hard.