almost 37 weeks!

In two weeks or so, I'll have a baby in my ARMS!! We can hardly believe that we made it this far. Baby can come anytime, though it would be good to put in another week at work, lest I leave some not-so-fun reports for someone else to figure out. I'm just so excited!

I'll be 37 weeks on Sunday, and then Monday is a big day. We're doing growth measurements in addition to the regular biophysical profile, and my doctor is setting an induction date. She'll also check my cervix for the first time. I know it doesn't mean a whole lot, but I'm curious. :)

All of the weekly appointments, BPPs and NSTs have been great. Baby is still rather stubborn for the NSTs though...he or she likes to hide from the monitor or kick it off. Last week a nurse had to stay and hold it in place because we couldn't get more than three minutes of recording at a time! Baby was much more cooperative yesterday.

Braxton Hicks contractions are definitely picking up, and a few are even painful. They were registering on the NST yesterday, but were still mild and definitely not regular. My body aches all the time, but I expect that for being nine months pregnant. I'm all baby!!

Tomorrow is our second baby shower, and I love how excited Paul is. Lots of friends, our parents and siblings will be there - boys included. All of these people have been with us on this journey, and we are looking forward to CELEBRATING this baby!

Paul says it's time I share the baby and wants baby to come any day. I do too, but I also want baby to bake as long as needed. I have loved being pregnant, and I'm not going to wish away the days. I am simply grateful for every. single. one.

I keep up on reading blogs, but I've been not so good about writing. I'm working on that. Soon I'll be sharing pictures of baby!!!!!

28 weeks...and first trip to labor & delivery

It's been a baby-action packed few days and this is long. I'm exhausted, and providing a good home to a bunch of cold germs doesn't make it any easier!

First, we had our 28 week appointment on Friday! I managed to schedule labs, ultrasound and OB for the same day, so I just took the day off work. I repeated the three-hour glucose and didn't pass this time. Or rather, I was borderline, but she chose not to pass me. My fasting glucose is excellent, but my body is a bit sluggish to process that sugar after an hour. I'm waiting for the nurse to call to set me up with a nutritionist appointment.

And I'm okay with this. I more or less knew this is where we were heading, giving my strong family history and marginal passing results last time. I am much more emotionally equipped than had I needed to start the regimen at 18 weeks. And I will do ANYTHING in my power to ensure a healthy baby arriving safely. I'm down 2.5 pounds from four weeks ago which leaves me with a net loss of 5 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. At this rate, Dr. B. wants me to put on 10 pounds in the next 10-11 weeks. My weight has definitely been redistributing!

Hemoglobin was on the low side of normal but fine, and the RH antibodies test came back negative so I was able to get the Rhogam shot later that afternoon. After three hours sitting in the lab, I had a good length scarf knit!

The ultrasound was great. Baby is BIG, measuring about two weeks ahead. We're going to check growth again in four weeks, but my OB isn't concerned about the size-GD correlation at this point because babies long bones were measuring ahead, too. We saw baby's mouth opening, the most perfect leg profile (all the better to kick with), and legs crossed tightly at the knees. We don't want to know the sex, and baby made sure we couldn't accidentally find out. Baby's heart rate is consistently around 150.

The only downside to the day (other than the GD stuff) was that we had to wait to hours to see Dr. B. It was her on-call day, and I knew that. But we weren't complaining. We've never really had to wait before, and who knows what she was handling that day. I'm sure I've caused her to run behind before!

Yesterday was my SIL's baby shower about an hour drive away. After a quick breakfast with my parents and shopping with my mom - she wanted to buy me a Christmas outfit! - we were on the road. I don't normally feel baby move when I'm in the car, so I didn't think too much about a lack of movement until we were back home. After an hour, only four movements. After three hours, two big glasses of juice, one piece of bunt cake and three trips to the bathroom, only six movements. So I called the nurse line in the birth center, and they suggested I come in for some monitoring.

So off we went. I was crying because I thought that if the nurse said to come in versus telling me to do something at home, maybe there was something wrong. I was 95 percent sure everything was fine, but that last 5 percent nagged at me. Now there is a different kind of fear...knowing that baby has a good outlook if born now (though I fully intend to bake him or her longer), makes me scared that I'll miss a warning sign and the chance to get baby out safely. *sigh* Always something.

I love my hospital and the nurses. Our nurse was SO WONDERFUL and she made me feel like we did the right thing. Absolutely no indication that we overreacted. After a good 20 minutes on the monitors, with baby's steady heart rate averaging around 150 with good accels and decels, we were cleared to go home. And of course baby decided to show off once hooked up because I got all sorts of good kicks and movements. No contractions and LOTS of movement noted on the strip. Just perfect. But there was nothing better than just listening to baby and trying to pick out the movement and when my coughing changed up the heart beat.

So today we both took a sick day. After the late night and bodies coursing with adrenaline, combined with an aching back and ribs from coughing for me, we needed to relax and decompress. Baby enjoyed the day at home too; moving ALL day for mommy.

The updated milestone checklist:

see heartbeat

finish progesterone

14 weeks - scary date #1

18 weeks - scary date #2

20 weeks  - halfway!

24 weeks - viability

28 weeks - next ultrasound; start biweekly appointments

*first trip to labor and delivery - 28w

32 weeks - next ultrasound; start weekly appointments

36 weeks - start heparin

37 weeks - full term

39 weeks - baby in my arms

*added to the list, but not planned.

one of those days

As I sit here, my eyes are swollen and red from crying. Just because my mind starts wandering.

I had to set aside my Pregnancy After Loss book, which I normally love, because it made me sad. I hadn't yet made it to the third trimester section, and in real life, I'm almost there! But it's overwhelming. Thoughts about setting up baby's room or not, depending on what we may have done in previous pregnancies. Whatever feels right is right. We didn't do anything for baby's room before or even make many purchases. Now we are. The crib came on Friday. I have a drawer full of clothes. Wall art half purchased. And we're excited about it all. But tonight, realizing that we have these things that mean baby is coming and wondering if we'll be one of those couples who has the room all set up and doesn't get to bring a baby home, I am terrified. That almost makes me not want to do it.

Yet I say over and again that I will live in hope and not in fear.

Would guarding my heart be easier? I've definitely lived in that realm. Not necessarily. If something were to happen, it will hurt beyond anything I can imagine. More than anything, I just want to be in my excitement, but it's really hard some days.

So that started the uneasy feelings. Then I really got upset when reading about potential danger signs, one of which is not gaining a pound per week. I'm not. This whole pregnancy, I've played with five pounds lower than my starting weight. I'd go up and down within those five pounds. And I'm still down two pounds from my starting weight. My tummy is definitely growing, and baby has always measured right on track. My tummy even measured large at the last appointment. I wouldn't be worried if I felt I were eating well. But it's hard to eat when you have no appetite. At all. I don't get sick when I eat, but nothing ever sounds good. Lest you worry, I do eat (mostly) healthy food each day. For some reason it just set me off tonight. Poor Paul was opening all the cupboards trying to suggest things while I cried. I think he would have made me anything I wanted. I decided I wanted toast and chicken strips.

But that's not all. I feel like my parents aren't excited about baby, and that bothers me. I think they are, but my mom has said it's hard for her to be excited this time. She always asks how the pregnancy is going (to the point she adds my appointments to her planner), but she never talks about baby. No one in my family does. Baby only enters conversation if I bring it up.

I guess I don't know what I'm expecting. It just bothers me a bit that they gave us a "congratulations on your pregnancy" card with the first two and not this one. The second baby also got a little Winnie the Pooh blanket. Nothing for this baby. (Actually, we didn't receive any congratulations cards from anyone this time. I have to admit, it hurts a bit. Like this baby might not make it so it's not worth their time. This baby deserves to be celebrated, too.) It's not about material things, but maybe I equate that with excitement and planning. My mother-in-law can't stop buying things, even little things. A glider rocker for my Christmas gift, an ultrasound frame, layettes, a quilt, and that's just what she's given us. My friend's mom picks up stuff for her baby girl all the time, who will make her entrance the same time as my baby. Why doesn't my mom?

Paul says she's probably just being cautious, and I get that. It just feels like yet again, I'm missing out on some of those "normal" pregnancy things that others get to enjoy.

And of course my mind spins. Baby showers. Lovely friends are hosting two for us in January. One is at work, and the other is a friends couples shower. I mentioned them to my mom, since she'll be invited along with my mother-in-law, and there was no reaction. I just really want my mom at my shower, and she makes the drive for many other reasons (we live about four hours from them).

All of this just made me cry. Pregnancy hormones certainly don't help. I don't know what to expect, yet I am frustrated that things aren't "normal." This pregnancy after loss thing is hard. Really hard.

dreams, please go away

They were right when they said dreams during pregnancy can be intense. (I can't identify they; I just know I've read about this in more than one place.) Good grief. I can accept losing sleep over being uncomfortable, but these dreams are a little harder to accept.

My dreams aren't necessarily bad and definitely not scary. But they are stressful. SO stressful. Like trying to find my car in the Mall of American parking ramps late at night after someone else parked it and didn't tell me where. Or needing to pack up my boss's hotel room (and the belongings of two others staying with her, unbeknownst to me), deal with the hotel people, and then drive their stuff cross-country from Washington, D.C., by way of several metropolitan areas. Or finding an overweight beagle in my apartment building and not knowing who his owners are but wanting to take care of him for a bit despite his presence stressing out my cats. These dreams were from Monday night. And I fully woke up between each of them.

Last night I enjoyed dream-free, uninterrupted sleep thanks to Ambien, as recommended by my OB for when I need it. I'll take it when it works, but I'd rather not come to rely on it. However, I do need to make it through the day, and baby and I both feel better when adequately rested. I know sleep deprivation will come on another whole level when baby is born, but that's just not comforting at the moment.

The dreams need to settle down or I might be ordering who knows what from middle-of-the night infomercials in my sleep-deprived state.

24 weeks and thankful

Sunday marked 24 weeks of baking for this baby! One of the things I was excited to do was to update the checklist below. In true obsessive list-maker fashion, I had to add a couple of lines, mostly to have more things to cross off.

milestone checklist

see heartbeat
finish progesterone
14 weeks - scary date #1
18 weeks - scary date #2
20 weeks  - halfway!
24 weeks - viability
28 weeks - next ultrasound; start biweekly appointments
32 weeks - start weekly appointments
36 weeks - start heparin
37 weeks - full term
39 weeks - baby in my arms

On Monday we had our first OB appointment in four weeks. I realize that four weeks is a normal length of time between visits for most people, but I, like many of you, am not most people. But we made it! Anxiety is certainly calmed by the movement this baby shares with me all day every day, and some of those jabs are starting to take my breath away. I'm incubating a hockey-playing space heater!

Everything is perfect. I don't use perfect often or lightly, but really, this pregnancy has been perfect. I enjoy being pregnant (which is something I never imagined saying), and I'm sure it has much to do with the thankfulness I relish in each day. Every day is another day I thank God that I have been given this baby to love and to carry.

Here are a few updates from my appointment:

• excellent blood pressure again
• weight gain of -2 pounds
• baby is measuring a bit ahead
• baby still gives Dr. B a hard time finding the heartbeat, but it is very strong and steady
• plan for 27 weeks - repeat 3-hour glucose (I've resigned myself to the fact that I'm at risk); Rhogam shot; hemoglobin workup
• plan for 28 weeks - ultrasound and OB appointment

We are almost definitely meeting baby in a planned event, as Dr. B likes to put it. It sounds friendlier than induction. More than anything she wants to plan and control the environment given my anticoagulants, even though I'll take the last does 24-48 before the induction. She - and I - would rather have fewer interventions, which includes medication to reverse heparin effects and/or responding to potential hemorrhaging. And maybe we can schedule for a day Dr. B is on call! The more we talk about it, the more I get used to the idea. And I really do like controlling my environment to the extent I'm able. (Can one become even more type-A with age?) I am doing my best to have very few expectations surrounding labor and birth by educating myself, keeping open-minded, and remembering that nothing is more important than bringing baby here safely. My desires go out the window when I remind myself of that.

I am so very thankful and my heart is full. Most of all, I'm thankful for this little one and all of the babies who are making healthy entrances into the world.

a new nephew to love

We are so excited that baby Gabriel is here! After a long night, he came at 8.52am yesterday...the exact same time as his sister Sophia. A meaningful time. My sister-in-law and baby are doing well. They're testing Gabe for group b strep today, and if all is good, he won't need antibiotics and they'll likely go home tomorrow!

After Sophia died at three weeks from meningitis caused by GBS - and doctors don't know how she got it - taking chances isn't worth it. Right now, they're keeping visitors to family only and being diligent about hand-washing. Other than doctor appointments, he'll be kept at home for a couple months with few visitors.

I just can't wait to snuggle him! Paul is going to his parents' for deer hunting, and I might go with...mostly because Gabe and family live only 30 minutes away. :) It will be fun to see the big brothers, too. I just love my nephews and niece, and there's another nephew on the way!

When my baby comes, there will be three new babies within three months. These cousins are going to have so much fun together!

It is interesting symmetry, though. Our family lost three babies in 2009. Sophia was the third child in her family. Three often represents the trinity of body, mind and spirit. We all felt weakness here. Three represents divine perfection. All of these babies are perfect because they are created by God. Growing a baby is divided into trimesters. And three represents the triune God. A perfect God. The Holy Spirit, which has comforted me so during this time, joins God the creator and Jesus our deliverer to complete the fullness of the Godhead. Google "symbolism of three," and you'll find all sorts of interesting things.

There is just so much to be thankful for. These babies are the hope that we've clung to. Now I pray for the safe and healthy arrival and infancy for them all.

loving uneventful appointments

My 20 week OB appointment on Tuesday has been one of the best yet! She picked up baby's heartbeat immediately, and we just listened for awhile. This little one is pumping along consistently in the 150s, and is growing right on track. In a few weeks, my short-waisted body will only be able to accommodate growth by going out. And I love it.

As far as the GD discussion goes, I'm supposed to watch my simple sugar intake and cut back. We'll re-test for GD in six to eight weeks. Since I did pass the test, Dr. B thinks this is the best plan. I'm on board. We also talked about weaning off an anti-depressant at 28 weeks. It has tested safe for pregnancy, but in the last trimester has been linked to pulmonary hypertension in the baby at birth. I feel great about that plan because I'm doing better than I have been in the last year, and now, finally, the feelings of excitement are greater than the worries. And I know I'm strong enough to live through a few tough weeks, if that happens to be, to help ensure that baby is healthy.

We talked about delivery for the first time! She's going to switch me to heparin at 36 weeks, and then back to Lovenox or Coumadin for six weeks after delivery. Right now I think I'd rather do the daily injections (which have become no big deal!) than weekly blood tests.

She's also talking about inducing at 39 weeks. I had been thinking that was likely, and definitely not going longer than 40. With the FVL, we just don't need to hang out for very long in that time period when the incidence of clots rise and the placenta starts to tire of its work. Induction really isn't my preference, but if it's for good medical reasons, I'm on board. She said it would depend, too, on what signs my body is showing. So we'll see. But we have a good while to continue the conversation and for me to get used to the idea. Please share good induction experiences to help ease my mind. :)

We'll see baby again at 28 weeks for a growth check. That will have been 10 weeks since the last ultrasound and the longest we've gone without a peek! I see Dr. B again in three weeks, and hopefully growing baby will be tumbling around a lot for my reassurance.

And I'm feeling baby every day now! It's very subtle, silly anterior placenta, but there. When I'm in bed and baby's moving, Paul reaches for my belly quickly. He's just so anxious to feel baby, too. I love it.

I'm just so in love with my little family! And of course, that includes the cats. We have family snuggle time on the bed for sleeping. :)

20 weeks - halfway!!

Each day brings me closer to checking off another milestone on my list! Hitting 20 weeks yesterday has to be the funnest one yet. I'm in baby mode. On Friday, Paul and I went around town to Babies R Us and Baby Depot to play with some car seats, strollers and pack-and-plays. No purchases yet, but now we have some preferences that aren't based only on customer reviews and colors. Now it's time to start making calls to find a place for this little one to go come May.

The more I read about cloth diapering and learn the language, the more excited I am. (We'll likely use disposables right away and then keep some on hand for some outings and emergencies.) What brands/styles do you prefer? Where do you buy them? I'm thinking about a mix of perfect fits and all-in-ones, but I need advice about quantities if planning to wash every other day. Share your thoughts, ladies!

It's just so fun to talk about baby stuff and believe we'll actually get to use it soon! I just crave small hints of normalcy. :)

milestone timeline
see heartbeat
finish progesterone
14 weeks
18 weeks
20 weeks
24 weeks
28 weeks
37 weeks
baby in my arms

lists and lists

Things I should do but don't because I'm too tired...

• fold laundry
• vacuum
• dishes
• clean the fridge
• put clean sheets on the bed
• organize scrapbooking stuff
• really any household cleaning
• organize closet in soon-to-be baby's room

Things I do instead...

• sleep
• read
• ask Paul to do the dishes and clean the bathroom
• knit
• sleep
• make a songs for baby playlist
• watch GLEE and Grey's Anatomy
• make Paul a grocery list
• sleep
• read blogs
• research baby gear online
• and my favorite....grow a baby. :)

settling in

I feel like I'm finally starting to settle in and enjoy this pregnancy. After passing week 17 and the anatomy scan, I have felt absolutely wonderful. I guess that's what happens when you let some stress go away... We're telling people about the pregnancy in normal conversation (like our five-year college reunion this weekend!), it's now out at work, and it all feels so good. When other people are excited, it reminds me that this is an exciting time, not just a time filled with worry. The worry is still there, no doubt, but I enjoy having fun.

That said, there were a couple stressful moments last week. My dad is diabetic, so my doctor had me do an early glucose screen at 18 weeks. I didn't pass the one-hour. :( BUT I did pass the three-hour. :) Even though all four of my draws passed easily, and my fasting glucose was outstanding, the nurse said my doctor will go ahead and treat me as gestational diabetic. I'm very frustrated. I completely understand the risks of untreated and unmonitored diabetes, and how devastating it can be when baby is born. I also have a good understanding of how to monitor carbs, sugars and diet living in close proximity to it for much of my life. I do have a high risk factor (dad), but I've passed the test. My weight gain is -5 pounds at 19 weeks, I'm eating well, and there has been no sign of sugar in my urine, which has been tested every two weeks at my regular appointments. My A1C was just tested a couple months ago (and is a better indicator of glucose levels for several reasons), and it is just where it should be.

More than anything, I just don't need to create something to worry about in this pregnancy. I don't need the extra stress about worrying something that isn't creating a problem. If all the tests were positive, I'd be the first asking for a plan. I see my doctor next week for a regular appointment, so I told the nurse I wanted to talk it over with my doctor to better understand before I go off seeing nutritionists and the endocrinologist. I'm hoping that we'll do another glucose tolerance test in 8-10 weeks, while I continue to eat well and exercise, and take it from there. (I'm doing my best not to get worked up about it until then. Some days are better than others.) If urine were to show sugar earlier, we'll address it right away. But if not, I just want a few weeks of not creating additional stress. I think that's reasonable.

I continue to be surprised at how much these bumps in the road derail me. Most days (especially lately) will  be great, but I don't realize how high my stress level is until I have no reserves to handle something unexpected. The most important thing is to bring home a healthy baby, and every day I look for the balance in how to do that.

That was a long vent...good thing I put the happier update at the top. :)

second trimester energy?

Where is the second trimester boost of energy I've heard and read about?! I feel like I am as tired as ever, routinely needing 9-10 hours of sleep. My eyes start to droop at about 2pm and it's a fight to the end of the day. Oh well. it's hard work growing a baby.

Three more days until our next ultrasound!! I'm hoping for some good pictures, especially one that shows baby's sweet profile.

good report at appointment

Baby had another picture taken yesterday! I'm going to have quite the collection for the pregnancy scrapbook I need to start. My doctor didn't even bother with the doppler...we all wanted another peek at baby. All looks good! Baby is growing and growing with a heart just beating away. My placenta was easier to see this time, and it turns out that it's anterior. So maybe the taps from the other day weren't baby, but I still think they were. :) It was also fun to hear her say that she can definitely feel that my uterus is growing and is right where it should be, size-wise.

It was quite the party in my exam room yesterday. In addition to the usuals - me, Paul and Dr. B - there was a med student and a nurse. Now that I'm finally off the progesterone suppositories, Dr. B. did a pap and more thorough pelvic exam. (She made me promise that I wouldn't get upset if I saw spotting later because it would be quite likely following the test/exam.) So while that was going on, the med student was observing, the nurse was setting up the ultrasound, and Paul was texting. It was quite funny as I sat there in yards of fabric from a too-big gown and piles of glorified paper napkins. Whatever. I really don't care about all that as long as I get a peek at baby!

I go back two weeks from today for an ultrasound, and then two weeks from Monday, I see Dr. B and do an early glucose test. She asked if we're going to find out the sex. (We aren't.) It was fun to talk about "normal" pregnancy things like that! On her way out, she said she can't wait to get past 20 weeks. I know I repeat myself over and again when I talk about appointments, but I really love how my doctor feels invested in this pregnancy, too.

We're now thinking about the quad screen. We really didn't get this far with the other pregnancies to be seriously considering it. I think we're leaning towards not doing it. Though we have previous miscarriages in our history, we really don't have any of the potential risk factors that encourage doing the test. We feel it would cause unnecessary worry between waiting for the results and the potential for false positives. We want to avoid an amnio if at all possible because we're just not willing to take the risk while looking for trouble. What are your thoughts on screening tests? What have you done?

It was a crazy week at work with a big grant proposal due today. I've spent most of the last week working in USD/EUR conversions, and my head never hurts as much as when I have to do budgets in euros. I've settled in with some guilty pleasure TV, chocolate covered almonds and caffeine free diet coke in a wine glass. Everything tastes better in a wine glass, and since I won't be partaking in my grant submission day-red wine ritual for awhile, this will have to suffice.

Fun news for the day - my best friend (who is due one week before me; Paul thinks it was a conspiracy) found out she's having a girl! Big brother J will be almost two when that little girl comes. Our babies will either be best friends and college roommates like we were or betrothed to one another from birth. I'll be perfectly happy with either arrangement. :)

I am just so in love with this little one in my belly! I love that my pants are starting to be snug in the waist, that I can't stay awake past 10pm, and that I have five beautiful sets of pictures on my fridge. Even though there are two baby-sized holes in my heart, my heart grows right along with this little one.

15 weeks and a tap tap from baby!

I'm 15 weeks and can't believe how fast the time is going! The days are ticking by, and I do my best to just live in that day and not worry. It works....for the most part. :)

This morning I think I felt baby move for the first time! I was lying in bed petting a kitty and felt a couple light taps in my lower belly. It definitely wasn't my pulse, and it sure didn't feel like gas. After a few more minutes of being still and quiet, I felt it again. So I'm saying it was baby.

These are the moments I've been waiting for. Brand new pregnancy milestones that are new to me. I didn't feel any movement with my first two babies. I can't wait until baby is bigger and stronger, and I can feel him or her move regularly.

On Thursday I go back to the doctor. I'm looking forward to hearing a heartbeat (will also be a first when it happens!) or maybe seeing baby. If we do get to see baby, I hope my OB will measure the size because she didn't last time. I just want every reassurance that baby is growing and growing.

Another good thing for today - it was sweater weather! After a very hot summer (for North Dakota), I am ready for some crisp fall days.

God is so good. God is carrying me through this all. My worries consume me less only because I give them over and my load is lightened. Every evening, I thank God for giving me this baby to love and to carry, and for another day with baby. I love every day I have with baby, and I hope the count of days on this earth goes on and on.

just hanging in there

This week has had lots of good things! These are the moments when my heart and mind are content, and the worry stays at bay. These are the moments I hold onto during the other times.

• A great date night at Garrison Keillor's (of the Prairie Home Companion radio show) Summer Love tour. Lawn seats were not only cheaper, they had the best views! He sang, told stories, and ambled around the audience for well over two hours. Even though it was a bit cool (we were in an outdoor ampitheater), windy and rainy, we left with smiling and singing.
• A relatively uneventful weekend. We passed the 14 week mark with no reasons to worry. I didn't do much other than hang out and grow a baby. :)
• Fun friends scrappin' and stamping' the night away. I love my monthly scrapbooking group at church! I was working on cards this month, but it still felt good to get my hands in that paper.
• An indulgent evening watching the Emmys. I like awards shows and the red carpet interviews. Paul doesn't. At all. That's why it's good that we have TVs in separate rooms some days.
• Days that are finally cooling off. I am much more comfortable in the crisp fall air than the sticky, heavy, hot air of summer. My favorite - wearing sweaters and my Birkenstocks at the same time.

Sunday night brought a bump in the week. My parents had spent the weekend here helping my brother move into his college house, and learned on their drive home that one of their cats was killed on the highway by there house. Paul and I had just gone to bed and were talking about how this day we were anticipating turned out to be just fine. Until my mom sent that text message.

I just don't know how to process sad news now. I can't separate it from my own feelings of loss. Mom's cats are the same age as mine, and they definitely aren't my pets, but I still know them well. And more than that, I know how mom loved her little Lita. Pets are members of our family, and they make their way into our hearts forever.

My heart just hurts a lot. For little Lita's brother and playmate who keeps looking for her. For my mom. For my babies. I can't even write that without the tears coming. Monday was a mental health day. I slept, recovered from the massive headache (stress headaches + pregnancy = wish I could take more than Tylenol), and snuggled my kitties. I also thought about how I need to protect my emotions, including asking that difficult news be shared with me in a certain way. I just have to be gentle with myself.

heeeeeerrrrrrrrrrre comes anxiety

Are my breasts still sore?
Do they feel a bit smaller?
Is that a stretching pain or cramping?
Is the ache going away with Tylenol?
Do I still feel pregnant?
Will I get to bring home a living baby?

I'm two days away from 14 weeks, the point at which we learned our second baby no longer had a heartbeat. In actuality, we're already ahead of that pregnancy, since our second baby stopped growing at 12w3d, and we definitely saw a heartbeat with this baby at 13w1d.

I knew this was coming, but it still takes my breath away. Sometimes I can stop the thoughts before heading too far down that path, and other times, the fear just wants to take over. It becomes not about one day at a time, but rather one hour or even one minute.

13-week appointment

As far as baby goes, today's appointment was great! Size looks good with a strong heartbeat. Baby was waving at us. :) I feel great, though I'm down one pound.

The panic set in when she couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler. After several minutes. My placenta is forming a bit on the front side, and I have a little extra padding as it is, so I know it's tough to find still. Even though I KNOW that, my mind isn't exactly at ease. And my doctor is great; she just kept reassuring me, and then went to get the ultrasound. But it took longer than usual to pull up a good picture, so more minutes of panic. In total, it couldn't have been more than five or six minutes total, but it felt like an eternity until we saw that flicker and the movement. She actually started to turn off the machine when she realized that she forgot to print us a picture. So we have another little picture to add to our growing collection.

She said there was no need to cause me unnecessary worry, so we'll check on things again very soon. I'm going back to see her in two weeks, which will be 15 weeks and smack-dab between the points of loss with our other babies. Then at 18 weeks, I'll see her again, have an ultrasound and do an early glucose test. Since my dad is diabetic, she's not taking anything lightly! :) 

When she was filling out the slip for me to schedule appointments, she said she had to put a special sticker on it so I could get a 15-minute appointment and not a seven-minute appointment. She said I'm not a seven-minute kind of person. :) Both Paul and I feel so comfortable with her because we know she's taking care of us.

Even though I had baby's picture in hand and saw that wonderful heartbeat, I couldn't stop crying. It's all so emotional and overwhelming when I'm in her office, and I'm flooded with flashbacks and worry. After lots of hugs from Paul in the parking lot, my panic attack started to subside. I just can't wait for appointments that are so routine they border on boring.

I want nothing more than to be an easy seven-minute appointment.

wedding good things and 13 weeks

Whew! The long wedding weekend was great - but exhausting. Conversations with family were relatively easy, and everyone was just so happy about all of the exciting things happening right now. The list of good things from this weekend is long:

• seeing my brother- and new sister-in-law so happy!
• lots of Shirley Temples with extra cherries
• getting to know cousins better
• an incredible pizza buffet for the rehearsal dinner
• hearing people laugh at Paul's speech at the reception
• a beautiful hotel room with a walk out patio to the lake
• celebrating the 80th birthday of a great uncle and meeting more relatives
• dressing an adorable nephew in his pint-sized tux
• talking baby stuff with M, one of my pregnant sisters-in-law
• a super comfortable dress on a very hot wedding day and being told I was just adorable
• lots of congratulations on baby
• dancing with my husband
• listening to my brother-in-law sing the Ghostbusters theme at karaoke
• quality time with M, my sister-in-law, while our husbands were busy being brothers of the groom
• a two-hour nap this afternoon after we got home

Today I'm 13 weeks! The days of progesterone suppositories are numbered. :) We have an OB appointment tomorrow, and I will be very happy if we just get to hear the heart beat, but Paul really wants another peek at baby. I'm just one week away from the point at which we learned our second baby had no heartbeat. I can't wait to start checking off those markers as we pass them. I am feeling so good - both physically and emotionally - and I just know I'm going to be holding this little one in about six months.

preparing for a weekend with LOTS of family

My brother-in-law's wedding is tomorrow....so I'm gearing up to see LOTS of family in the next several hours. We're going to have a lot of fun, and I'll get to know some of Paul's cousins better. And I love my sisters-in-law! Two of the three (not the bride) are also pregnant, and I haven't seen them in awhile.

Those are the things I'm looking forward to. I'm nervous about conversations or comments about my pregnancy. At least they all know, so there won't be any surprises like last weekend. So I'm planning to just soak in their excitement and well wishes and allow myself to be excited with them. And who's going to be paying attention to me with beautiful people in beautiful dresses (and tuxes) around us! :)

The words I need to remind myself of more often:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Phillippians 4:6-7

ultrasound update, sharing the news, and a limp

I am WAY behind with this update, and now there are lots of things on my mind...

I am now 12 weeks with this baby, and though statistic don't do much to ease my mind since I seem to defy many, I try to remind myself that in MOST cases, pregnancies progress very well after this point.

On Friday, August 6 we had another peek at our little one! We were back in for an ultrasound and had my favorite tech. I was so excited when she called us back because she will tell us what she sees. She doesn't interpret, but she gives us the facts.

Baby was measuring 11 weeks that day - three days ahead! I love to see that growth! The heart rate was great at 171. Baby was tumbling all over the place, and we saw lots of good dancing going on. Paul did his job well and asked for pictures. Even though we were feeling good after leaving the ultrasound, we still went upstairs to talk to the nurse just for extra peace of mind. And all is good. All is very good. I go back to my doctor next Monday at 13 weeks.

*****

I am at my parents' for a long weekend, and a lot of family is home. I only see my aunts and uncles once a year because they live in New York and Chicago, so it's fun to see these little cousins.

But I don't feel comfortable talking about this pregnancy. My mom caught me off guard by announcing with my aunt's family, "so did Karin tell you she's pregnant?" I HATE those surprises. I don't have the ability to go along with the flow quite so easily anymore. I need to be prepared. Everyone turned and looked at me, and said congratulations. That's great, but I don't like being the center of attention. I feel like we've already been through this before, and people will just wonder if this one is going to work. I wonder if we'll take home this baby. I don't need to assure others when I have a hard enough time assuring myself.

I told my mom later that I didn't appreciate an announcement to a group, and she thought it was fine because we're all family. It was still a big group to me. She said she'd tell my uncle's family before I came home. I don't know if she did. Or if she told them I don't want to talk about it. Maybe it's easier to pretend I'm not pregnant until I have a big belly.

Everything seems too complicated to simply be excited.

*****

Aaaaannnnnnnnd here's the current ridiculousness...I partially tore my Achilles tendon. While drinking lemonade. Sitting at a picnic table. My chiropractor thinks it started when I sprained my ankle last month (I managed to roll it twice in one day), and since then I've been walking to compensate, which has caused the muscles and tendons to shorten and tighten. It was ready to pop. And pop it did, followed by a shooting pain up my calf.

It's a good thing the chiropractor in my hometown is a family friend who was willing to see me at his office on a Saturday afternoon! He worked the muscles, and although I was in a tremendous amount of pain later, it has been much, much better. So I'm spending my vacation in a La-Z-boy with an ice pack on my elevated foot. Worst case scenario: he'll put me in a boot when I go back this afternoon.

Oh well. Hopefully it will match the dress I'm wearing to my brother-in-law's wedding on Friday. The second part of my vacation is in a lake/resort town later this week. I'll be a limping, pregnant bundle of fun! :)

double digits and a purchase

I'm 10 weeks pregnant today! That means we've known for six weeks, and I can't decide if they've gone by quickly or slowly. Now I'm counting down the days 'til our next ultrasound...five more. I can't wait to see baby again and see how those little arms and legs will have grown!

Yesterday I went shopping with my sister-in-law and made my first baby purchase! We wandered into the baby section of Old Navy, and there was a sale. I decided this was absolutely necessary:

It felt good to buy something for baby, like I actually believe I'll bring her or him home in February. I feel like I have to nudge my excitement a bit, but I'll get there.