random things about karin

I'm home sick with a stomach bug or something today, so I thought I'd do a fun post. I have to credit Stephanie's post from last week for the inspiration.

Random facts about me

• I have red hair. No one in my family has red hair.
• Because of said red hair and the fairest of fair skin, I avoid the sun obsessively. However, I was a lifeguard at an outdoor pool in high school.
• I've been playing piano since I was three.
• I believe that lefse belongs on every holiday dinner table.
• The only thing I have won in a contest or drawing is a case of Coke for a grocery store coloring contest when I was 10.
• Oatmeal, rommegrot, and other mushy, watery foods make me gag.
• As a camp cook, I had to make giant pots of oatmeal every Wednesday morning for breakfast. 
• I grew up 15 miles from the Canadian border and spent many winter weekends in Canada for my brothers' hockey games. Canadian coins were as common at my house as U.S. coinage.
• I golfed in a high school state tournament and took sixth place as a team.
• M*A*S*H is one of my favorite TV shows, and I can identify most episodes within the first 30 seconds. My dad conditioned me not to talk during the show except for commercials. Now I get frustrated with Paul if he tries to talk during M*A*S*H.
• I was a delegate at the 2008 ND state democratic convention where both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama spoke. I stood onstage behind Obama for his speech and took a photo with Clinton after hers.
• I don't worry about my kids being smart. I worry about their sense of rhythm. 
• My college mascot is a cob of corn named Kernel. He routinely makes lists of bizarre mascots.
• I like to dress my cats up in cute costumes. They have matching sailor scarves.
• In high school, I gave a humorous speech on how mechanically declined I am. 
• I learned how to knit in January, and now I am surrounded by piles of washcloths and scarves.
• I love grammar. 
• The Little Mermaid is my favorite movie. She is a princess with red hair.
• I really like artificial grape flavoring. Jello, hard candy, Dimetapp.
• Because of camp cook experience, I can easily make tator tot hotdish for 300. I really don't like hotdish.

my story

My husband, Paul, and I have been together for eight years and married for four. We love our two cats, Leinie and Luna, and together we live in ND where I am a grantwriter. I'm a mom to two babies, though I never had the priviledge to know them on this earth. (It's hard for me to claim that word - Mom. Something to work on...)

On April 20, 2009, I had a miscarriage at 17.5 weeks. It was sudden - no symptoms until it happened - and happened at home. We took our little baby with us to the ER. We had decided earlier that we weren't going to find out the baby's sex until birth, and that day, we decided we didn't want to know. But I think our first baby is a girl. Recovery was physically very difficult, and we did not feel comfortable with our doctor, so I found a new doctor, whom we love.

On July 9, our 22-day old niece died of meningitis caused be a late-onset Group B Strep infection. My heart ached for my sister-in-law, now knowing what is feels like to lose a child. She and I have grown very close this year.

We underwent a bit of testing - my doctor was looking for structural abnormalities, given the second trimester miscarriage and an ultrasound that showed a large ovarian cyst. Everything checked out okay, and we were given the go-ahead to try to get pregnant again. One month later...we were expecting a baby in June 2010. My doctor kept a close eye on me, checking hcg and progesterone levels frequently. We also had several ultrasounds. I ended up on progesterone supplements, but all was going well.

Until on December 4, at a regular appointment, when there was no heartbeat at 14 weeks. It happened again. We were so sure that we would get to take this baby home. That was a Friday, and we had to wait until Monday for surgery. That week, while I was home, I spent a lot of time online. I felt an urgent need to grieve well (or better than the first time) and to remember these babies separately from one another. I think this baby is a boy, though we don't know.

How is it that our family lost three babies in the span of eight months? We are a family of strong faith, and we have grown stronger yet, somehow. But it's hard to live with these questions.

Now, I'm undergoing extensive blood tests. We're actually waiting for results at the moment. I've never wanted tests to show something 'wrong' before! I'm hopeful that we will learn more, and that there will be ways to respond in pursuit of a better outcome next time.

I pray for strength, hope and peace daily.

welcome to my little corner of the web

Hi friends. If you are here, you are a friend.

I really didn't think I would ever start a blog, but here I am. After my second miscarriage in December 2009, I found myself online a lot, often seeking strength from other women who have had similar experiences. I followed their blogs first as a creeper, but found myself increasingly want to interact with them. First, it was following. Then, leaving comments. And now, apparently, it's sharing my story on my own blog. (And I see fun stuff going around from blog to blog, and I want to play!)

This blog is about me and my life. My babies have changed me forever, and right now, I am grieving and healing. I anticipate I will spend a significant amount of time sharing about where I am in my process. But I strive for balance in my life, knowing there is to me than just the sad things. I will strive for balance here, too.

I feel like I've written my thesis statement for my blog...maybe as a writer, I just feel the need to declare my intent for my audience. :)

Thank you, friends, and welcome.