28 weeks...and first trip to labor & delivery

It's been a baby-action packed few days and this is long. I'm exhausted, and providing a good home to a bunch of cold germs doesn't make it any easier!

First, we had our 28 week appointment on Friday! I managed to schedule labs, ultrasound and OB for the same day, so I just took the day off work. I repeated the three-hour glucose and didn't pass this time. Or rather, I was borderline, but she chose not to pass me. My fasting glucose is excellent, but my body is a bit sluggish to process that sugar after an hour. I'm waiting for the nurse to call to set me up with a nutritionist appointment.

And I'm okay with this. I more or less knew this is where we were heading, giving my strong family history and marginal passing results last time. I am much more emotionally equipped than had I needed to start the regimen at 18 weeks. And I will do ANYTHING in my power to ensure a healthy baby arriving safely. I'm down 2.5 pounds from four weeks ago which leaves me with a net loss of 5 pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. At this rate, Dr. B. wants me to put on 10 pounds in the next 10-11 weeks. My weight has definitely been redistributing!

Hemoglobin was on the low side of normal but fine, and the RH antibodies test came back negative so I was able to get the Rhogam shot later that afternoon. After three hours sitting in the lab, I had a good length scarf knit!

The ultrasound was great. Baby is BIG, measuring about two weeks ahead. We're going to check growth again in four weeks, but my OB isn't concerned about the size-GD correlation at this point because babies long bones were measuring ahead, too. We saw baby's mouth opening, the most perfect leg profile (all the better to kick with), and legs crossed tightly at the knees. We don't want to know the sex, and baby made sure we couldn't accidentally find out. Baby's heart rate is consistently around 150.

The only downside to the day (other than the GD stuff) was that we had to wait to hours to see Dr. B. It was her on-call day, and I knew that. But we weren't complaining. We've never really had to wait before, and who knows what she was handling that day. I'm sure I've caused her to run behind before!

Yesterday was my SIL's baby shower about an hour drive away. After a quick breakfast with my parents and shopping with my mom - she wanted to buy me a Christmas outfit! - we were on the road. I don't normally feel baby move when I'm in the car, so I didn't think too much about a lack of movement until we were back home. After an hour, only four movements. After three hours, two big glasses of juice, one piece of bunt cake and three trips to the bathroom, only six movements. So I called the nurse line in the birth center, and they suggested I come in for some monitoring.

So off we went. I was crying because I thought that if the nurse said to come in versus telling me to do something at home, maybe there was something wrong. I was 95 percent sure everything was fine, but that last 5 percent nagged at me. Now there is a different kind of fear...knowing that baby has a good outlook if born now (though I fully intend to bake him or her longer), makes me scared that I'll miss a warning sign and the chance to get baby out safely. *sigh* Always something.

I love my hospital and the nurses. Our nurse was SO WONDERFUL and she made me feel like we did the right thing. Absolutely no indication that we overreacted. After a good 20 minutes on the monitors, with baby's steady heart rate averaging around 150 with good accels and decels, we were cleared to go home. And of course baby decided to show off once hooked up because I got all sorts of good kicks and movements. No contractions and LOTS of movement noted on the strip. Just perfect. But there was nothing better than just listening to baby and trying to pick out the movement and when my coughing changed up the heart beat.

So today we both took a sick day. After the late night and bodies coursing with adrenaline, combined with an aching back and ribs from coughing for me, we needed to relax and decompress. Baby enjoyed the day at home too; moving ALL day for mommy.

The updated milestone checklist:

see heartbeat

finish progesterone

14 weeks - scary date #1

18 weeks - scary date #2

20 weeks  - halfway!

24 weeks - viability

28 weeks - next ultrasound; start biweekly appointments

*first trip to labor and delivery - 28w

32 weeks - next ultrasound; start weekly appointments

36 weeks - start heparin

37 weeks - full term

39 weeks - baby in my arms

*added to the list, but not planned.

one of those days

As I sit here, my eyes are swollen and red from crying. Just because my mind starts wandering.

I had to set aside my Pregnancy After Loss book, which I normally love, because it made me sad. I hadn't yet made it to the third trimester section, and in real life, I'm almost there! But it's overwhelming. Thoughts about setting up baby's room or not, depending on what we may have done in previous pregnancies. Whatever feels right is right. We didn't do anything for baby's room before or even make many purchases. Now we are. The crib came on Friday. I have a drawer full of clothes. Wall art half purchased. And we're excited about it all. But tonight, realizing that we have these things that mean baby is coming and wondering if we'll be one of those couples who has the room all set up and doesn't get to bring a baby home, I am terrified. That almost makes me not want to do it.

Yet I say over and again that I will live in hope and not in fear.

Would guarding my heart be easier? I've definitely lived in that realm. Not necessarily. If something were to happen, it will hurt beyond anything I can imagine. More than anything, I just want to be in my excitement, but it's really hard some days.

So that started the uneasy feelings. Then I really got upset when reading about potential danger signs, one of which is not gaining a pound per week. I'm not. This whole pregnancy, I've played with five pounds lower than my starting weight. I'd go up and down within those five pounds. And I'm still down two pounds from my starting weight. My tummy is definitely growing, and baby has always measured right on track. My tummy even measured large at the last appointment. I wouldn't be worried if I felt I were eating well. But it's hard to eat when you have no appetite. At all. I don't get sick when I eat, but nothing ever sounds good. Lest you worry, I do eat (mostly) healthy food each day. For some reason it just set me off tonight. Poor Paul was opening all the cupboards trying to suggest things while I cried. I think he would have made me anything I wanted. I decided I wanted toast and chicken strips.

But that's not all. I feel like my parents aren't excited about baby, and that bothers me. I think they are, but my mom has said it's hard for her to be excited this time. She always asks how the pregnancy is going (to the point she adds my appointments to her planner), but she never talks about baby. No one in my family does. Baby only enters conversation if I bring it up.

I guess I don't know what I'm expecting. It just bothers me a bit that they gave us a "congratulations on your pregnancy" card with the first two and not this one. The second baby also got a little Winnie the Pooh blanket. Nothing for this baby. (Actually, we didn't receive any congratulations cards from anyone this time. I have to admit, it hurts a bit. Like this baby might not make it so it's not worth their time. This baby deserves to be celebrated, too.) It's not about material things, but maybe I equate that with excitement and planning. My mother-in-law can't stop buying things, even little things. A glider rocker for my Christmas gift, an ultrasound frame, layettes, a quilt, and that's just what she's given us. My friend's mom picks up stuff for her baby girl all the time, who will make her entrance the same time as my baby. Why doesn't my mom?

Paul says she's probably just being cautious, and I get that. It just feels like yet again, I'm missing out on some of those "normal" pregnancy things that others get to enjoy.

And of course my mind spins. Baby showers. Lovely friends are hosting two for us in January. One is at work, and the other is a friends couples shower. I mentioned them to my mom, since she'll be invited along with my mother-in-law, and there was no reaction. I just really want my mom at my shower, and she makes the drive for many other reasons (we live about four hours from them).

All of this just made me cry. Pregnancy hormones certainly don't help. I don't know what to expect, yet I am frustrated that things aren't "normal." This pregnancy after loss thing is hard. Really hard.

tempering the worry

The last two days I haven't felt baby move as much as I had been. I've still felt movement, just not too much. I did call my doctor's office though, and the nurse said to rest and occasionally eat or drink something sugary. **Baby just gave me a good kick. ** She said they don't get too concerned about decreased movement until after 28 weeks, but if I find myself worrying, I can go in to listen to that heartbeat.

I'm proud of myself. I haven't been beside myself with worry. Yesterday I did leave work early at the nurse's suggestion, but that's an easy thing I can do. I need to take care of myself and this little one. To be able to weigh my feelings (and my gut says everything is fine) shows progress. Despite the pregnancy hormones, I feel much more rational overall than about eight months ago. :)

That said, I appreciate your prayers that all continues to go well, and that this orange soda gives baby a sugar high.

settling in

I feel like I'm finally starting to settle in and enjoy this pregnancy. After passing week 17 and the anatomy scan, I have felt absolutely wonderful. I guess that's what happens when you let some stress go away... We're telling people about the pregnancy in normal conversation (like our five-year college reunion this weekend!), it's now out at work, and it all feels so good. When other people are excited, it reminds me that this is an exciting time, not just a time filled with worry. The worry is still there, no doubt, but I enjoy having fun.

That said, there were a couple stressful moments last week. My dad is diabetic, so my doctor had me do an early glucose screen at 18 weeks. I didn't pass the one-hour. :( BUT I did pass the three-hour. :) Even though all four of my draws passed easily, and my fasting glucose was outstanding, the nurse said my doctor will go ahead and treat me as gestational diabetic. I'm very frustrated. I completely understand the risks of untreated and unmonitored diabetes, and how devastating it can be when baby is born. I also have a good understanding of how to monitor carbs, sugars and diet living in close proximity to it for much of my life. I do have a high risk factor (dad), but I've passed the test. My weight gain is -5 pounds at 19 weeks, I'm eating well, and there has been no sign of sugar in my urine, which has been tested every two weeks at my regular appointments. My A1C was just tested a couple months ago (and is a better indicator of glucose levels for several reasons), and it is just where it should be.

More than anything, I just don't need to create something to worry about in this pregnancy. I don't need the extra stress about worrying something that isn't creating a problem. If all the tests were positive, I'd be the first asking for a plan. I see my doctor next week for a regular appointment, so I told the nurse I wanted to talk it over with my doctor to better understand before I go off seeing nutritionists and the endocrinologist. I'm hoping that we'll do another glucose tolerance test in 8-10 weeks, while I continue to eat well and exercise, and take it from there. (I'm doing my best not to get worked up about it until then. Some days are better than others.) If urine were to show sugar earlier, we'll address it right away. But if not, I just want a few weeks of not creating additional stress. I think that's reasonable.

I continue to be surprised at how much these bumps in the road derail me. Most days (especially lately) will  be great, but I don't realize how high my stress level is until I have no reserves to handle something unexpected. The most important thing is to bring home a healthy baby, and every day I look for the balance in how to do that.

That was a long vent...good thing I put the happier update at the top. :)

heeeeeerrrrrrrrrrre comes anxiety

Are my breasts still sore?
Do they feel a bit smaller?
Is that a stretching pain or cramping?
Is the ache going away with Tylenol?
Do I still feel pregnant?
Will I get to bring home a living baby?

I'm two days away from 14 weeks, the point at which we learned our second baby no longer had a heartbeat. In actuality, we're already ahead of that pregnancy, since our second baby stopped growing at 12w3d, and we definitely saw a heartbeat with this baby at 13w1d.

I knew this was coming, but it still takes my breath away. Sometimes I can stop the thoughts before heading too far down that path, and other times, the fear just wants to take over. It becomes not about one day at a time, but rather one hour or even one minute.

13-week appointment

As far as baby goes, today's appointment was great! Size looks good with a strong heartbeat. Baby was waving at us. :) I feel great, though I'm down one pound.

The panic set in when she couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler. After several minutes. My placenta is forming a bit on the front side, and I have a little extra padding as it is, so I know it's tough to find still. Even though I KNOW that, my mind isn't exactly at ease. And my doctor is great; she just kept reassuring me, and then went to get the ultrasound. But it took longer than usual to pull up a good picture, so more minutes of panic. In total, it couldn't have been more than five or six minutes total, but it felt like an eternity until we saw that flicker and the movement. She actually started to turn off the machine when she realized that she forgot to print us a picture. So we have another little picture to add to our growing collection.

She said there was no need to cause me unnecessary worry, so we'll check on things again very soon. I'm going back to see her in two weeks, which will be 15 weeks and smack-dab between the points of loss with our other babies. Then at 18 weeks, I'll see her again, have an ultrasound and do an early glucose test. Since my dad is diabetic, she's not taking anything lightly! :) 

When she was filling out the slip for me to schedule appointments, she said she had to put a special sticker on it so I could get a 15-minute appointment and not a seven-minute appointment. She said I'm not a seven-minute kind of person. :) Both Paul and I feel so comfortable with her because we know she's taking care of us.

Even though I had baby's picture in hand and saw that wonderful heartbeat, I couldn't stop crying. It's all so emotional and overwhelming when I'm in her office, and I'm flooded with flashbacks and worry. After lots of hugs from Paul in the parking lot, my panic attack started to subside. I just can't wait for appointments that are so routine they border on boring.

I want nothing more than to be an easy seven-minute appointment.